| Browsing
(yes, this is embarrassing to admit )the m4w section of craigslist.com,
I came to a conclusion with life-altering consequences for
nearly everyone on this Earth: comparing yourself or a friend
to a celebrity, looks-wise, is just stupid. If a guy's friend
says he looks like Brad Pitt, you're expecting, or at least
hoping for, just that. What you invariably get is an
average joe with Brad Pitt's mouth or someone who looks like
Brad--just the ugly version. I can’t tell you how many
times I’ve noticed that about people--that they look
like some strange deformed clone of a celebrity--and that’s
not even when they’re pointing it out. These people,
by having features that remind you of someone you find attractive,
face the daily equivalent of what it’s like when you
go out with your hottest friend. Instant comparison--and it
ain’t pretty. Now why would these poor bastards want
to announce to the world how their features have betrayed
them?
And these people that refer to themselves as "looking
a bit like Tom Cruise" or as "Cameron Diaz's nonbiological
twin?" Who self-promotes like that? I'd love to meet
such a person and set them straight. These people are worse
than single straight guys who make a point of telling you
that their female friends tell them they're hot. Well then,
why isn't your friend dating you? Even if the person described
is above-average looking, it's unlikely that he will come
out looking good after you've heard about his striking resemblance
to Johnny Depp.
Let’s imagine such a scenario:
A blind date ended tragically last Sunday when, after meeting
the man she’d been talking to online, a local woman
realized she’s been duped.
“My expectations were high and he has no one to blame
but himself,” Lisa Sellars exclaimed. “He said
he looked like Johnny Depp, but he didn’t look a thing
like him.”
Steven Hortz, the self-claimant, was reached for comment yesterday:
“What? I do too look like Johnny Depp. All of my female
friends tell me so. I’ve also been compared to Keanu
Reeves, Luke Wilson, and Bill Murray. The last,” he
sheepishly added, “was based on a comment by an older
woman with what I assume to be bad eyesight because, come
on, I don’t see the resemblance. He’s at least
45, after all.”
When asked to explain what all the fuss was about, Lisa could
only repeat sadly while shaking her head, “Not like
Johnny Depp at all--no, not like Johnny Depp.”
Dr. Margaret Atwater, a psychologist specializing in attraction
theories, had this to say: “When Mr. Hortz decided to
tell Ms. Sellars he looked like Mr. Depp, he was most likely
subconsciously sabotaging their possible relationship because
of some kind of fear of relationships. Or else he has a severe
mental imbalance, because who does he think he’s kidding?
He looks nothing like Mr. Depp. Had he been honest, referring
however fleetingly to his receding hairline and bugged-out
eyes, Ms. Sellars might have been pleasantly surprised when
meeting him. But by comparing himself to a celebrity he unwittingly
tolled the death bell. Even if he had been devastatingly handsome--which,”
she chuckled warmly, “he clearly isn’t--Ms. Sellars
would still have been making comparisons between him and a
famous movie star, and let’s face it, he would not have
come out on top.”
Johnny Depp was reached for comment in the matter and was
evasive as always. “I’d like to meet a man that
looks like me. I could pay him to do the press junkets and
sign autographs. I like my anonymity. Now, please, get off
my porch and remember your promise not to reveal which small
French village in which I conduct my daily affairs.”
The thing is, celebrities are in a class of their own. Not
only are a significant number of them better looking than
most of us, they are also so familiar looking because we've
seen them in movies and on billboards. Even a strange or unattractive
feature, like Enrique Iglesias' mole, can be overlooked or
even found attractive with enough viewings.
 See
how such a comparison worked out for an attractive woman:
Shana Evans from San Francisco had a different kind of problem:
“The thing is, I look a lot like Cameron Diaz; I hear
it a lot.” But, unlike the celebrity in question, Shana’s
smile isn’t just a bit too big for her face. “As
a result, I’ve had numerous guys disappointed upon meeting
me. When I asked them why, they admitted it: they agreed I
was conventionally better looking, but said they couldn’t
help it, they liked her quirks and wanted her, not me.”
Dr. Atwater was informed of the new development in our story
and said that, “celebrities are icons, instantly recognizable.
People begin to find their faults charming and agreeable.
Sexy, even,” she added. “When a new person is
introduced who is said to look like this icon, people expect
the icon, faults and all. There is a saying that familiarity
breeds contempt, but modern psychology disagrees: familiarity
increases attractiveness. Ms. Evans needs to keep her look-alike
status a secret and instead focus on describing her good traits
without comparisons to the famous other.”
The fates of these look-alikes can teach our readers a few
things. When using the internet as a dating pool, a trend
that’s becoming more common every day, be warned: to
compare yourself to a celebrity is a surefire way of decreasing
your attractiveness. Don’t do it, no matter how many
compliments of the sort you’ve received. Instead, shake
your head and bashfully deny the truth in such statements
when they come your way.
“He looks like Johnny Depp and he’s modest.”
She’ll conclude, “He’s a keeper!”
“She’s even hotter than Cameron Diaz,” he’ll
ponder wonderingly.
Really, the only time such a comparison could work to one's
advantage would be if the celebrity in question was ugly and
people found you more attractive when meeting you than they
otherwise would have. I mean, your hopes are pretty low upon
meeting a guy who claims to look like Steve Buschemi. So when
they meet the man and his eyes don’t bug out and he’s
not thin enough to break in two, they might even end up thinking,
“Wow, this guy is hot!” But, like most plans to
deceive, there is a big problem with pretending to look like
an unattractive celebrity: I don’t think comparing yourself
to Rosie O’Donnell is going to really inspire a guy
to want to meet you in the first place, now is it?
And remember, everyone’s mother tells him he looks like
Johnny Depp. So the next time your mother tries to feed you
that line, don’t get a big head because she’s
a liar! |
