| “The
two most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.” -- Harlan Ellison
After very little thought, I quickly realized that I, like
all humans, am part of one of these (or both) groups--I'm
made up of a lot of hydrocarbons, ya know. Hydrogen everywhere.
My sister-in-law and a very good friend of mine pointed out
that, “This might explain why some people retain water
so well.”
That's it! Wells! Wells are designed for water. So
are humans, it seems. Yup! I think that explains it--I do
think she has stumbled onto something here, Watson! If we humans
didn't retain water, we would be like a bus with everyone
falling off and water would have a more difficult time moving
around via humans. If the passengers (water) keep falling
off, humans wouldn’t be a very practical way for hydrogen
to move around. If that were the case, hydrogen would give
up on us humans as a means of mass transit, and we, as humans
would immediately devolve into a little pile of carbon, calcium
and various other elements as the hydrogen blithely floats
off, looking for other, better means of transportation. Lucky
for us, we do retain water.
Pure mono-atomic hydrogen, and the more common H2 form of
hydrogen works its way out of the human body rather quickly
unless it combines with some other heavier atom(s), so obviously,
hydrogen in its pure state has a little trouble using us for
transport.
Now let’s look at it from the hydrogen atom’s
point of view.
“I’d like to go visit my mother in Brooklyn,”
says Mrs. Hydrogen.
Mr. Hydrogen doesn’t really want to go but has always
given in to Mrs. Hydrogen on such decisions. Mr. Hydrogen
is a lightweight. Nonetheless, he isn’t giving up without
at least some token resistance.
“How are we going to get there? The jet streams are
wrong this time of year. Even if they weren’t, once
we are over New York, how do we get back down through all
those air molecules? You know how pushy those Brooklyn air
molecules can be. They’d just push us higher and higher.
Why, we’d be in outer space before you know it, and
then how would we ever get to Brooklyn?” Mr. Hydrogen
asked.
Mrs. Hydrogen, never at a loss, replies, “Easy. We can
just pick up one of those stylish big oxygen atoms that are
all the rage, attach ourselves to it and we have our ticket.
We can then take a human who is going to New York. It shouldn’t
be too hard. After all, that’s what humans are for;
moving us hydrogen atoms around.”
Mr. Hydrogen has used the only argument he has and can’t
come up with a better one. As usual, she has put her
best spin on her argument.
“Ok dear. We’ll do it.” He is about as simple
as they come.
They battle their way through traffic to a place just above
a glass of water that a human is about to drink, and look
around for a free oxygen atom. All of the oxygen atoms appear
to be paired up. O2 seems to be the natural state of oxygen,
at least in this environment. Out of nowhere, a cosmic ray
separates two of them and a mad scramble ensues as Mr. and
Mrs. Hydrogen grab the stray atom. A lot of energy is released
as they attach themselves, much to the disappointment of the
other hydrogen atoms looking on.
All those little hydrogen atoms that aren’t already
paired up are pairing up and those that get the opportunity
are grabbing an oxygen molecule for a "bus ticket."
Now that Mr. and Mrs. Hydrogen are paired up and have latched
onto their own private oxygen atom ticket, all they have to
do is find their way to the boarding gate (the water glass
below), load onto their particular mass transit device (human)
and they are on their way to wherever it is they wish to go.
When they grabbed their “ticket,” the larger,
heavier oxygen atom, the additional weight caused them to
fall toward the water in the glass below.
While all this pairing up and attaching is going on,
the Muzak in the background is playing "She's Got a Ticket
to Ride." The poorer and unluckier hydrogen atoms without
their partner and their oxygen ticket just quietly drift off
on their own, wishing they could afford to ride instead of
having to hitchhike wherever it is that their little atom
intelligence tells them to go.
The human drinks the water, and they are safely on board.
Now all they have to do is wait. Mr. Hydrogen has some nagging
doubts as to whether or not they are on board the right human,
but Mrs. Hydrogen, unlike Mr. Hydrogen, has asked directions
every step of the way, so is confident that they are ok.
That’s just one of the many billions of stories that
could be told of the extensive travels of typical hydrogen
atoms. But, how about the ones who aren’t lucky enough
to join up with an oxygen atom?
Mass transit should be available to every hydrogen atom, or
so their thinking goes. In an attempt to improve the situation,
the hydrogen atoms have planted an interesting thought in
the human brain. By using free hydrogen atoms and providing
lots of oxygen atoms to which the hydrogen atoms might attach
themselves, enough energy will be released to actually power
a vehicle, which hydrogen atoms think of as “Macro Transit
devices.” The Macro Transit devices (humans refer to
them as cars) provide transportation for the human mass transit
devices, as well as providing a ticket window where unattached
hydrogen can go to pair up and get attached to that elusive
oxygen atom. The energy released also performs a valuable
service (powering the Macro mass transit device) in exchange
for a ticket. This is just as in the old days when people
used to work on sailing ships in exchange for their passage.
I can't help but think there must be a short story in there
somewhere... I would sit down and write that story, but I
have a load of passengers that are ready to disembark. Hope
my passengers won't be too disappointed when I flush them
down the toilet. |
