| Okay,
I think we can all agree that gas prices are pretty high.
Now please shut the hell up about it.
You’ve got the obvious ways of dealing with this little
issue--drive your damn car less, drive something that
gets better mileage, start making ethanol in your basement
(the cops won’t arrest you for this, you’re thinking
of something else). But when you drive around in your big
ass Lincoln Navigator, you automatically give up your right
to bitch about gas prices, because first off, you’re
helping to cause the problem, and secondly, no one gives a
shit. You bought the damn thing, you obviously have the money
to do it, so why are you complaining about gas prices? Yeah,
it costs me a chunk of change to fill up my Dodge as well,
but at least I knew what I was getting myself into. I wanted
a truck. My wife can drive her Honda all she wants, but that
thing just ain’t my style now is it?
And for the love of Pete, yes the government should probably
be doing something, but the government has a funny way of
deciding on its own what it wants to work on. You tell ‘em
to work on an energy policy, they decide to up and go work
on healthcare or something. Well you know, that’s fine,
because we need some help in the healthcare department as
well, don’t we?
I know, mostly from hanging around people that talk about
shit like this, that one solution that a lot of people seem
to want is for a nationally-managed system where the government
is ultimately responsible for providing free (taxes fund the
system) healthcare to one and all. Now this sounds like a
great thing to me, although I can’t say I know the mechanics
of the whole thing. Apparently the Canadians have this, and
they love it to pieces. I’m not sure if we really need
an entire system provided by the government, though... I think
maybe that they just need to take some small steps to help
everyone out. A good start to this? Uncle Sam can buy our
toilet paper.
Think about this for a minute--everyone uses it, and if they’re
not, frankly, I don’t want to know about it or why they’re
not. So if everyone uses it, why can’t the government
order it in bulk, save billions of dollars for all of us consumer-type
people, and just provide it for us? I mean, if you want to
talk about inflated prices, there’s a place you need
to look--over $10 for six “double rolls,” which
might be in turn twelve or fourteen single rolls, although
not necessarily double-ply, because if you’re going
to put enough toilet paper on a cardboard tube to wrap itself
around the Sears Tower (this is a “triple roll”),
then it’s got to be pretty thin. And see, that’s
how the TP people get away with this. They confuse you with
all these different kind of quantities and quiltings, all
the while completely dodging the issue in commercials by showing
us that bears, in fact, do shit in the woods, but they use
Charmin, wear glasses, and take dumps as a family, using adjoining
trees.
So, get some government regulation of the toilet paper industry.
If we applied our tax dollars, like in a special “TP
Tax” rider on our income taxes, and then that money
bought TP for the entire nation, we could eliminate all this
toilet paper classicism. The rich no longer get triple-quilted
Egyptian cotton tissue (although I suppose they can always
continue to wipe their asses with dollar bills, if that saying
is true), and in turn, our kids no longer have to suffer the
disgrace that is industrial/commercial grade paper in our
public schools. Yeah, you remember that stuff--came out in
squares about three square inches and had the texture of tree
bark. If we eliminated that God awful stuff from every bathroom
in America, I’m sure the number of ass-related medical
conditions would drop to all-time lows, thus presenting less
of a strain on our medical community. With teams of doctors
now able to focus on curing things like cancer, instead of
finding new relief for hemorrhoids, we’d be leaps and
bounds ahead of where we are today. All because of government-funded
toilet paper. Easy as that, people. Write your congressman.
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