| The world of basic cable TV is a fascinating place. For those of you with that crazy Dish Network or fifty HBO deals plus Showtime or whatever, it may be no big deal, but imagine you're me... No, not the lockjaw, IBS, and addiction to Chipotle burritos... I mean, imagine that you've gone almost three years fiddling with an antennae, barely able to make out your Everybody Loves Raymond reruns through all the static. Basic cable seems a might bit more special now, doesn't it you spoiled rich sumbitch with tons of money to blow on fancy-pants premium cable channels and Tivo and whatever else the kids are peddling these days? Damn right it does. Not everyone lives in a goddamn ivory tower, surrounded by widescreen Plasma TV's hanging from every wall, able to afford that extra $1.25 for a dollop of guacamole on your friggin' carnitas burritos. Some of us plebeians slum it with a shit ass, clunky, old school analog tube monitor TV set while trying to scarf down only the occasional burrito sans guac! Went on a little class war rant there, didn't I? Upper middle versus lower middle class! But I digress…
How I finally “decided" to "get" cable after so many moons as an airwave scrambling bottom feeder is neither here nor there, though, needless to say (though I'm going to anyway), it involves Dave Navarro’s mildly unsavory brother, painting my living room orange, and the swallowing of what little pride I had left. All legal. In Bulgaria at least. What matters is, after so long floundering like so many pseudo-luddites, only watching four or five static-cluttered channels, I now have the entire basic cable channel spectrum at my salsa stained finger tips. A world hath reopened to me after oh so long. So very, very long.
 And for those of you who say that TV is a time waster and cable like dangerous, mind destroying crack--no need to worry in my case. It wasn't like I was writing the great American novel or developing a cigarette that’s as healthy as broccoli and smells of baking cookies while whitening your teeth or something as equally mankind improving that got interrupted by the return of cable TV into my life. No, I was still in front of the idiot box all the time, just had to fiddle with the rabbit ears constantly to view my very few programming options.
Now, instead of a little bit of crap programs, I can see... a BUNCH of crap programs. I immediately found myself watching stuff that I never had any inkling to watch or even knew I was missing "B.C." ("before cable"). Not once did I wonder what My Fair Brady (one of VH1's many reality shows starring "has been" and "never really were" TV "celebrities"--this one the madcap adventures of Peter Brady and a chick half his age, who also happened to be the first winner of that UPN fright fest America's Next Top Model, as they argue about marriage and getting engaged and… how she wants to get married, but he’s not sure. She's half his age! She's basically dating her DAD! What the hell?) There are also lots of other shows about people not doing… much. It’s all not at all fascinating, but I find myself watching intently.
Most afternoons and evenings are spent flipping aimlessly through the many, many channels. I’ll go through every single channel three or four times before I’ll even consider that there’s really nothing on I feel like watching. And, if, on the fourth go-around, the Three’s Company True Hollywood Story doesn’t seem all that appetizing, it often does by the fifth. At least until a commercial break. Then the cycle starts all over again—often with tantalizingly different results!
One program that I’ve only come across once but TRULY demands mention, is this thing I call “Japanese Bug Fighting.” I call it that because I don’t know what it’s really called as it’s all in Japanese. Or Chinese. Or Korean. Or… I dunno. Not English. Definitely Asian. Of that I can be sure. The name I’ve given it is really quite apt for it seems to be an Ultimate Fighting-type set up, except instead of bloodthirsty men trained to kill for sport, there are two bugs (like a big ol’ beetle and some type of mutant cockroach thing or… something… ugly creepy crawlies is what they are), and instead of a ring, there’s a tree stump. Seriously. I have no imagination and never make things up. Each round begins with an excited announcer announcing announcements about the fighters (or politics or season five of The Golden Girls--I have no idea what’s being said), then a hand comes on screen from each side, places a bug on the stump, in their “corners” so to speak (despite the inherent roundness of the tree stump). A bell rings, and, for some reason, the bugs know to go at it! It’s crazy, man! There are even slow motion instant replays. Not to make a generalization about the Japanese people (yeah—the show is probably Japanese come to think of it), but… you know… they’re CRAZY! At least their shows. I mean—BUG FIGHTING? Wha--huh-- ?? I love it. Much better than another Law & Order or CSI spin off, really. Kudos, my Eastern brethren and… sisteren. (Is “sisteren” a word? I don’t think so, but I don’t want to be sexist.)
In closing, I’d like to state that, through the course of this writing, I’ve unwittingly driven home the fact that instead of a fun diversion, cable TV is, for the most part, a HUGE WASTE OF TIME. And life. Very much so. I didn’t think that was the point. I actually thought that the point was going to be “’Japanese Bug Fighting’ is AWESOME!” But now I know the truth. Cable TV is killing my mind. My poor little mind. I should put down the remote control and do something productive… Well… maybe I’ll just do another run through of the channels first. Just to be sure there’s absolutely nothing worthwhile to watch. I mean, maybe there’s something on that I’ll really like that will, you know, expand my horizons as a person or teach me something about life. Yeah… just a few more laps around the ol’ channels. Then I’ll get to work on that novel or save the environment or educate people on… uh… voting… or… derrrrr… whatever… gaaaahhhh… cable… good.
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