| With
the Internet an integral part of all of our lives--at least
since Nixon took office back in the 1980s with his then-controversial
web initiatives--it's become a part of our culture. A facet
of the shared human(ish) experience. As such, many have found it
as a way to express their innermost thoughts to literally
fives to tens of readers (unless said person is, like, a celebrity
like a Kevin Smith or a Zach Braff or a Wil fucking Wheaton
or something). These so-called "web logs," or "blogs"
or "ogs" or "gs" or "Chachi"
for short, have just gotten huge. HUGE. Never one to not try
something others already do all the time with some success,
I decided to start my own blog called "Pure Blog."
Kinda like "Pure Lard." Which isn't a blog. It's
a column type thing. And it often takes time to write. Due
to my lack of time, as I now have cable, I've decided to let
"Pure BLOG" take over this edition of the "Pure
Lard" column. Enjoy. Or don't. I don't care. You've already
clicked on this page and given us a hit, and the footnote
czar Dustin “Anti Thoughts” Grovemiller gives
me a peanut for each hit "Pure Lard" gets. So, I'm
gettin' a salty snack whether you read my blog or not.
________________________________
September 8th, 2005
Sorry I've been so lax in updating my blog, gang. Things have
gotten hella busy on the ranch. I guess Colonel Jonsey retiring
from his bronco ropin' took a greater toll on our little business
than I thought. Anyway, this morning I got up, took a big
dump, then went downstairs and had Sassy "Confessions
of a Dingy Trooch" B make me a coffee. We were out of
bourbon, though, so I called up Cousy and Tadd and told 'em
to meet me at Apollo's for some hella tasty $4.75 cups of
java after I made a pitstop at Tiny's Liquor Shack.
At Apollo's, Cousy "From the Cheap Seats" Kane told
me about his ultimate poker tournament last night. Apparently
Seth “Wolfboy from Buffy” Green got blitzed
and Uno'd too soon. Cousy walked away with $5,000 cold ones--
I gotta learn me some poker. Make me some bones. As for good
ol' Tadd "Something About Nothing" Branum, his nipples
were sore from breast-feeding the baby, and it was clear that
being on Full House and hosting America's Funniest
Home Videos at the same time is rough on his family life.
He was in good spirits, though, and had also recently received
$5,000 from Seth “I must not be too good at cards”
Green. They were playing Go Fish at Taco Bell a few weeks
back, apparently, after some party from one of those kids
from The O.C. or some such. I wasn't invited. Whatever.
After that, I went home and read Rob Liefeld comics for eight
hours straight. Then Sassy B told me a bedtime story as we
both ate Lean Pockets (me meatball, she broccoli and turkey).
After that, we hopped in our racecar bed and fell asleep watching
our new Good Times season three DVD... Damn, I forgot
how funny that show was.
______________________________
September 15th, 2005
After a fight with his wife, Fingers "Rant Farm"
O'Reilly is staying at the house. Not sure how long this is
going to last, but he's creeping out Sassy B, so... I'll probably
have to kick his mustachioed ass out soon. Not to sound cold,
but the dude smells like bologna. Maybe I should call Laura
"Currents" Goodman... oh wait, did she ever go through
with that restraining order thing against Fingers? Shit, man.
I dunno.
Oh, when I woke up, I took a poop.
______________________________
September 21st, 2005
After I woke up, I shat, and then read your emails. All the
support y'all have shown me since the whole James “The
Dawson” Van Der Beek thing has been really touching.
I wish I could buy Chipotle burritos for you all, but I can't.
Because if I buy a Chipotle burrito, you bet your ass I'm
gonna eat the sumbitch.
Anyway, we've found a new lead for Lo Siento: The D.J.
Kirkbride Story. Can't tell you who it is, but, well,
let's just say that everybody loves him. EVERYBODY. When I
first started writing this fictionalized account of my life
some seventeen years ago at the age of twenty-three, just
out of business school, never did I dare to dream it'd become
a real, honest-to-god Lifetime movie. But here we are, dick-deep
in the casting process. I have the fullest confidence that,
when all is said and done, this will be as good as anything
starring Tori “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Spelling or Kathy “full frontal nudity in lieu of good
taste in About Schmidt” Bates. At least as
good as Kathy's last flick, Ambulance Girl. So, keep
your fingers crossed. This is going to be worth some Tivo
action.
Aside from that, I ate a lot. A lot. Like, loads of food.
More than I knew existed. I'm in pain. But it all tasted pretty
good.
______________________________
September 29th, 2005
I shat. Then I woke up. Peed for a full three minutes (Is
that long? Like, medically?) then played online Scrabble for
seven hours. After that, I ate an egg salad sandwich, then
a box of Ho Ho's with a half-gallon of milk. Skim. I can't
even drink that two percent anymore. And whole milk seems
like friggin' pancake batter to me. Oh, I ate some of that,
too. Pancake batter. I would've had pancakes, but Sassy B
was at her weekly bridge club, and I can't cook for shit.
Then I watched the first half of season four of Smallville
(When are Lex and Clark gonna fuck?) and went to bed. Dreaming
of Lex and Clark fucking while Bo Duke watched. Not sure what
that means. I need to consult one of Sassy B's Freud books...
______________________________
September 33rd, 2005
I shat. All day. Seriously. It was horrible. They don't make
enough Air Wick Wizard in the world. Holy... I just... I dunno.
I think I was dead for a minute or two.
_____________________________
And that's but a sample of my erratically updated blog.
None of the spit and polish of the regular "Pure Lard,"
but the lack of high falootin' editing and "thought"
that goes into those is kind of refreshing, I feel. I hope
you agree. It's kinda fun, and I hate doing anything in my
real life that people wouldn't want to read about, you know?
Anyway, if you want more "Pure BLOG," just click
on over to pureblog.org and read about my real life as much
as you so desire. |
