This Land Is My Land?
Art by Jason Ericksen, pixel vigilante
 
On the thirty-first day of July, in the year of our Lord 2004, I and my ladylove embarked on a long and treacherous journey across this great, big-ass country of ours called THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA…
 
We were going from Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Los Angeles, California to be general, HOLLYWOOD to be exact. We started early. Well, two hours later than we’d planned, but it was still early for me. I admit to being nervous not only because I was leaving good friends and the strong, blue collar city of Milwaukee behind, but also because of the fact that I’d just uprooted my life a scant year ago, leaving friends and family in Columbus, Ohio for the aforementioned home of Laverne and Shirley. What the shit? I was making a huge move for the second time in a year! Who was I? Some seventies hour-long drama show character? Being forced to wander the country from town to town each week? Fleeing not only the intrepid reporter on my trail but also my raging, giant, green alter ego? No. There was no reporter following me.
 
Actually, I was doing this for a crazy little thing called love. My girlfriend Bethany and I had been doing the silly long-distance thing for six months and enough was more than enough. At first there was debate on who should move where. I was in the Cheese state, she in La La Land. ‘Twas decided in a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors that I’d go to the City of Angels.

So. We were embarking on our journey. Beth had the whole trip mapped out via highlighter and a road atlas. If we went full on, hardly stopping and all that, it’d take two days. She’d scheduled a five-day adventure with various pit stops at roadside attractions like a Dinosaur Park in Holbrook, Arizona, the Grand Canyon, and Vegas to name exactly three. It sounded like a fun way to break up the monotony of driving and make what could be a laborious trek into a fun road trip.
 
But we didn’t even make it out of Newton, Iowa until making our first unscheduled stop. There was a Culvers sign towering in the bright blue sky, beautiful and free. Culvers is a burger joint that I was gloriously introduced to in Milwaukee. Their secret ingredient? Butter. Yes. That’s right: BUTTER BURGERS! And right next door to the Culvers was the INTERNATIONAL WRESTLING MUSEUM!!! How astounding. How amazing. After that we saw the worlds biggest covered wagon, stopped by the Strategic Aerospace Museum (it was closed, but there were rockets on the lawn) -- all this and we were only in Nebraska!
 
The next big stop, well, the FIRST big stop, was the Grand Canyon. I know, I know: really big hole in the ground. So what, right? That’s what I thought until I saw the fucker. DAAAAMN. That bitch is hella huge. We were set to camp there two nights. Beth had a hike down it planned. That was until we discovered I had vertigo, Jimmy Stewart style. I’d never particularly loved heights, but being by that hugest of crevasses made me weak at the knees. What a pussy I, no?
 
But that wasn’t the most frightening part of the Grand Canyon. No, no. One morning (one of two), Beth and I were taking a short cut through the woods back from some restaurant when she stopped dead in her tracks. She said to turn around with a quickness. I’m all, “What the hell?”, then I see it. Not twenty yards in front of us was the biggest elk EVER. It was no ordinary elk. It was, sitting on the ground, taller than my 6’3” frame! It was the KING GOD ELK. Its antlers were each the size of an average sized Asian man! This Kind God Elk could rip through a car with them suckers, let alone Beth and me! The thing was almost as impressive as the damn Grand Canyon itself! We were in the presence of something supernatural…
 
Speaking of supernatural, our next stop was Las Vegas… Good Lord. This lil’ City of Sin is like an amusement park for grown ups. We stayed at this really cool hotel called New York, New York. On the outside it looked like a little New York cityscape. Even had a scaled down Statue of Liberty! And a frickin’ rollercoaster!
 
But what about the gambling? you wonder. Well, it’s not for me. Not only do I have no money, but, well -- I want to win! We played a few slots. I think we ended up breaking even almost. Cashed out with a fat twelve dollars. Actually, our best game was the change machine. No lie. Beth put in a dollar bill to get quarters for the arcade. Instead of four quarters, she got forty! No shit! Ten dollars worth of quarters for one li'l bill! We won big, that day, gang.
 
Overall, though, there’s something so obviously seedy about Vegas that made me feel ill at ease for most of the time we were there. It’s fun in small doses, maybe once in a while, but I wouldn’t want to spend much time there. I do want money for nothing, though…
 
After that, it was to our destination of HOLLYWOOD! I’m finally almost settled in. It was quite a journey. Seeing the middle of America up close and personal, instead of flying over it, was quite an experience. The impression I got is that America is mostly wasted flat land and shacks. I’m glad we made the trip, but I don’t think I’ll need to do it again anytime soon…

~~~~~

D.J. Kirkbride, late of L.A., formerly of Milwaukee, né of Columbus (and Waverly might as well have not even existed), now commutes for an hour and half each day. He has yet to embrace this.