Clarity in Graduation
Tadd Branum
 
It is a thing of power. It can stave off the driving monsoon. It has the patience to wait out the whispy spray. I stand in awe of the adjustable speed windshield wiper control. You do not fear the driving rain at 75 miles per hour. You will not be outlasted by the annoying muddy wake of the Department of Transportation vehicle that accumulates ever so slightly every 90 seconds. You are mighty. You will always prevail.

Loophole in "No shirt, no shoes, no service"
D.J. Kirkbride

Dudes! I’ve totally found a loophole in the “No shirt, no shoes, no service” rule! That’s right, friends for life. Let’s go over the list in a list-like, numerical fashion:
 
1.    No shirt
2.    No shoes
3.    No service
 
Sign ain’t say nuthin’ ‘bout no pants!
 
To test this theory, I went into my local Gas & Stop, completely pantsless! I was nervous at first. Nervous that I’d get no service. But I had a point to prove. Whether I was ready or not, because, having found the loophole and made the hypothesis, I now had to test it for it to become a theory and, perhaps one day, a LAW. I just HAD to. It’s like the Genesis device in Star Trek II, you know? Kirk’s son HAD to see if it worked. Even if it meant rushing the development and skipping over some vital points. So what if the resulting planet was unstable? Sometimes science is risky. I mean, hell, I could chickenshit out and not walk into a gas station with no pants on, but that’d be like John Hammond not making dinosaurs in Jurassic Park . Sure his science was sketchy, what with replacing certain missing genes with frog DNA, making the dinosaurs able to change gender and causing havoc! In hindsight maybe they shouldn’t have done these things! But it was the thrill of discovery that drove them! And me!
 
With that movie magic in mind, I pulled my car up to the Gas & Stop… and proceeded to disrobe my bottom. Unfortunately, I was going commando that day. I’d forgotten to do laundry! Still, I had a job to do. So I marched into the gas station, hairy ass and teeny weenie flappin’ in the wind. The reactions ranged from laughter to pity to dismay, but you know what?
 
I totally got service. Went home with a tank of gas and a Big Gulp of soda!
 
Beat the system, folks!
 
Ah, it’s the little things, you know? (… No pun intended.)