Rock to the Chief
 
As the presidential election looms like a dark thundercloud on an otherwise sunny day, I got to thinking -- what if we elected a “President of Rock”? What would the qualifications be for such an important position? Who could we, as the public, trust with the job? And most importantly, because a President can't do everything on his own, who would he (or she) appoint to their cabinet? These are questions that need answering.

First off, who would we look for to be el presidente? First off, I think a President of Rock would have to be American. The role of president is not a glorified legislator like a prime minister, and not a detached, exalted monarch. With all apologies to RUN-DMC (and I suppose Elvis...), a King of Rock would have to be British. A king is supernatural, ageless, pure in purpose and pedigree, and anointed to lead because they are better than the common man the rule. Therefore, the King of Rock is Keith Richards, no question. A president, however, is of the people -- although separate and higher in esteem than they are. A president gains the job not by divine right, but by years of building the experience and trust that results in a consensus call to service by the people (usually). This is what gives a president his most important job -- being a leader to which the people can turn to and facilitating the work of the land. The policies and actions may be determined by the cabinet, but the president is the face on all of that. Most importantly, he is someone the people have to be behind.

So who would we have as our fearless leader? I considered many possibilities. First, I considered an elder statesman, someone who has put in many years of service; Someone like Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, or Little Richard. But these gentlemen, while pioneers in the field and with many years of distinguished service, may be a little too old to effectually serve in today's world. We need someone with experience, but maybe not that much. I then thought about selecting a man of principle, a maverick that would lead us into a brave new world of endless possibilities. So that led me to consider people like Tom Waits, Lou Reed, and Iggy Pop. Upon considering the success of other mavericks that have run for president, John McCain and Howard Dean, I thought these guys (while maybe best for the job) didn't fit the bill. That being said, we still need person of integrity, not some sellout who would not protect the best interest of the people. Too many rock stars can remind us of politicians these days -- and I don't mean the ones who loudly promote their ill-informed political views (and that goes for people on both sides of aisle), but the ones who seem like they'll do anything to be loved by the people. I don't want to name names, but if someone was in a band with a number in their name (or if the band's name was “Creed”) they’re probably out.

So who does that leave us with? We need experience… but also is still contemporary, someone who is accepted by the mainstream but is not without integrity. Who does that leave us with?

Tom Petty.

(Phony Newspaper-like Endorsement)

"No Action", a subsidiary of thefootnote.com, hereby endorses Tom Petty for President of Rock. We believe Mr. Petty has the experience necessary to effectively govern, while still maintaining a clear concept of the state of rock today. He has the ability to form a consensus (it seems like everyone I knew in college, from the indie-rockers, jam-banders, frat-boys, hot girls, and even some jazzers had at least his greatest hits record), but is not shy about attacking the corporate special interests that pollute our system. We know that we is concerned about the plight of refugees, is progressive on drug reform, and when challenged, he won't back down. It is our opinion (our? when did I start writing this with anyone else?) that a better candidate for President than Tom Petty cannot be found.

Anyway, I think I make a pretty good argument for ol' Tom, but who would fill out his administration? The most important position to fill is obviously that of Vice-President. There are a couple of ways of handling this, but I like giving a rising young hotshot the chance to elevate their standing in the party. Now this doesn't always work (ask Dan Quayle), but let's give it a go. Now, I struggled with this for a long time, trying to think which young artist could develop into a major figure in rock and roll. I considered many leading figures of the new alt-rock, such as Julian Casablancas, Jack White, Karen O, Isaac Brock and the like, as well as the heroes of emo (which sounds like a comic book), such as Chris Carrabba, Davy Havoc, and Connor Oberst, and even some older but still developing figures like Beck, Rivers Cuomo, Jeff Tweedy, and Wayne Coyne. Eventually, however, I chose Geoff Rickley. Why, because I think Thursday is the most promising young American band, I like the way he writes, and he has the potential to be a great frontman. A controversial choice, I’m sure, but there you have it.

With the VP accounted for, the rest of the cabinet needs to be filled. Some of these positions are easy to fill, like Bruce Springsteen for Secretary of Labor, John Mellencamp for Agriculture, and Henry Rollins for Health and Human Services. Some took a little thinking, but suitable candidates can be found. I think David Byrne would make a great Secretary of State, with his knowledge of world cultures and music. Neil Young would make a perfect Secretary of Defense, due to his fierce integrity and combative nature (had he not been born in Canada, he very well might have been President, but, like Henry Kissinger, he’s still eligible for a cabinet post). For Secretary of Education, who better than Bob Pollard of Guided by Voices? He clearly has the relevant experience. For Secretary of Transportation, I suggest Sammy Hagar. We all know that he has studied the traffic patterns of our Interstate system. For Surgeon General, it’s Nick Oliveri (as of late of Queens of the Stone Age and Kyuss), owing to his knowledge of pharmaceuticals. Finally, we come to Attorney General. This is a very important job, because its duty is to enforce the law of the land, and that law is to rock. This post requires someone whose commitment to rocking is above reproach, and has consistently shown dedication to rocking in all its forms. For this important job, I select Chrissy Hyne. She has rocked for many years, in many ways, and will not let us down.

I believe this entire administration is constructed to serve the rocking people everywhere, and to meet their needs in this young century. There will be many challenges, but I believe President Petty and his staff can lead us through the trials of corporate pollution and toxic pop and lead us the a glorious new future with liberty and rock for all.

Unless there’s a recount…

~~~~~

Anthony Eldridge is soon to be the professor of "Political Rock Science" at a college near you.