|  DJ:
Dustin has the month off this week (I'm guessing many Shirley
Temples will be consumed at the beach while he does his usual
ritual of relaxing sun tanning... and yet more Shirley Temples
in the bubble bath while he listens to old Carly Simon records...
the whole time convincing himself he's getting drunk despite
the lack of alcohol in Shirley Temples...) so I'm joined in
this review of the 1971 classic Harold and Maude
by none other than fellow footnote contributor Fingers
O'Reilly.
Fingers: Hey hey, you big monkeyspank.
DJ: What up, Fingers? How'd Dustin
rope you into this?
Fingers: He guilted my ass into doing it,
said something about "not having contributed enough lately."
DJ: He has a point. Too busy grooming your
mustache to write, dude?
Fingers: I don't have a mustache anymore.
Where the hell have you been?
DJ: Drunk on the beach with Dustin...
Fingers: I should probably tell these people
that I don't really like you.
DJ: Join the club. Seriously. There's a fucking
club. It's both depressing and depressingly flattering...
Fingers: Stop bringing yourself down. That's
what I'm here for.
DJ: To get back on track, douche bag, had
you seen this month's selection, Harold and Maude,
before?
Fingers: Nope, never seen it.
DJ: Until you watched it for this review...
right?
Fingers: What part of "never seen it"
isn't clear?
DJ: What???
Fingers: When I say things like "never
seen it," it means that I’ve... wait for it...
NEVER SEEN IT.
DJ: Jesus Christ... Dustin told you
about this a month ago!
Fingers: Yeah, he told me I was going to
do this. I never said I was going to do it willingly. Besides,
I looked at some shit online. Movie looked pretty stupid to
me. Dumbass 70s shit if I ever saw it.
DJ: I can't believe you're talking shit about
this flick without ever having seen it, dude.
Fingers: It's got that one crusty old chick
on the cover. Can't be all that good. And isn't that
what's his ass from That 70s Show? Eric? Fuck, what's
that kid's name? Topher?
DJ: He wasn't even alive when it was made,
Fingers!
Fingers: Oh... so it really was made in the
70s? My bad.
DJ: I swear to friggin' god... why couldn't
Dustin get someone else to do this? It's one of all time favorites...
Fingers: That figures.
DJ: Can the balloon juice, a-hole and let
me try to at least give this some proper reviewing...
Fingers: How am I supposed to take you seriously
when you say shit like "balloon juice?" Dipshit.
Whatever... go ahead.
DJ: The movie stars Bud Cort as Harold, a
depressive young man who finds fun in staging suicides to
freak out his mom and going funerals. His life changes when
he meets Maude (Ruth Gordon), a free spirited senior citizen
who also loves going to funerals, but is as full of life as
he is of... death. I dunno.
Fingers: He's goth? In the 70s?
DJ: What the hell, Fingers? Goth? What is
wrong with you? This is one of the best love stories of all
time!
Fingers: You just said he's obsessed with
death. Does he dress in all black? Sounds too stereotyped
to me.
DJ: Nah. He's total 70s guy. Pre-goth,
just a little dark. Where the shit was I…? Um…
The movie really takes off when he and Maude fall in love,
causing all sorts of complications, especially for impressionable
Harold.
Fingers: He falls in love with the old coot?
What the hell? She's... old!
DJ: Yeah! You'd know that if you'd watched
it, dude!
Fingers: Nothing you've said so far has made
me want to see this shit.
 DJ:
She's young at heart, though. The movie really beautifully
illustrates details like that don't matter when you find true
love.
Fingers: "Young goth guy loves old chick"
is a fucking punch line to something.
DJ: It's shocking when you see them post-coital
in bed, but it's not about that.
Fingers: THEY FUCKING SCREW? Jesus! You don't
see any of that nasty old shit, do you?! I mean, I can suffer
through things that the wife likes, like Shakespeare in
Love, to see Paltrow's titties, but that's just the TOTAL
OPPOSITE. It's like they're punishing you for watching this
shit.
DJ: The style and spirit of the movie really
get you into it. An amazing screenplay by Colin Higgins, spot
on direction from Hal Ashbury, and brilliant acting all around,
the whole thing perfectly punctuated by amazing Cat Stevens
songs (who I'd never been into before seeing the movie) --
it all just add up to one amazing film. It's seriously one
of my favorite movies of all time. Everything in it works.
Fingers: Cat Stevens is on the soundtrack?
Okay, I'm down with that. I've got a soft spot for Cat Stevens.
You hear all that shit about him being Muslim now?
DJ: Yeah. To each his own. But I think I
prefer his music then.
Fingers: I even heard his version of "Morning
Has Broken" on the oldies station earlier today. Isn't
that weird that they're playing some of his folksy Christian
stuff and he's Muslim now? But yeah, whatever. Still ain't
gonna see the movie because of Cat Stevens.
DJ: His music is just the icing on the cake.
It's really a wonderfully shot, witty, quirky, entertaining
movie, dude. You should give it a chance.
Fingers: I think I'll wait for the remake.
If it's really that good, someone's gonna remake it.
DJ: That’s one of the stupidest things
I’ve ever heard…
Fingers: Like, with that Topher kid... and
some other old woman.
DJ: This is not a movie that could
be remade. At least well. It's totally a product of its times!
Fingers: Cloris Leachman needs more work.
She could totally do that.
DJ: There’s no replacing Ruth Gordon.
And as much as I like Topher, Bud Cort is perfect as Harold.
So perfect it's almost the only thing of note he's done since.
I love almost everything about this movie, Fingers. Which
means, yeah, maybe you should stick to movies like, uh...
what the hell do you like? Shit with the Rock and stuff?
Fingers: Nothing wrong with the Rock. I like
older stuff though, like the Rocky movies. I don't really
watch a whole lot. Mostly go to movies when the wife drags
me out.
DJ: You're a busy man. Maybe you should
surprise her and rent something good like Harold &
Maude...
Fingers: Busy? Shit, you try having a kid.
Of course, since you obviously jones after 80-year-old women,
that's probably not gonna happen, now is it?
DJ: …
Fingers: Fucking pervert. Are we done now?
I've got better things to be doing with my time, like playing
the PS2 while the wife and kid are still out.
DJ: Dude, whatever. Get your little games
in. I'm going to watch Harold and Maude again. Talking
about it really makes me want to watch it again...
Fingers: It's called "porn," dude.
You can find it on the internet. find anything that floats
your boat. I'd try something like wrinkledoldcooter.com.
DJ: You're a poet, chief. Beautiful words...
Fingers: Whatever it takes to get the job
done. Hopefully I won't have to do one of these things again.
DJ: I miss Dustin...
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