| We
traveled by bike to the park. I was in the basket with a gallon
of senna extract in my lap. The camouflage wool underwear
that Maeby had given me itched like hell, but I knew I was
going to need it in order to stay unseen. We stashed the bike
in a Mickey Mouse topiary and headed for the north cast member
gate. About forty-five feet away, Maeby stopped, pulling a
small electronic device from her pocket.
“This will make sure we’re undetected by the security
cameras. Have you ever seen the classic Keanu Reeves film,
Speed?"
“Of course.”
I didn’t think it was the right time for me to go into
the details of my college essay on the film as well as its
impact on my life.
“Well, then I’m sure you remember when Officer
Jack Trav-,”
I couldn’t hold back. “When he tells the officers
to put the security camera video that Fisk is monitoring them
with on a loop so that they can get off the bus without him
seeing? It’s pure genius!
I could tell I had stolen her thunder and needed to step down.
After all, I was merely an accomplice; not the brains behind
this fantastic scheme.
“Um, yes. Precisely. Last night as you slept away precious
minutes of your life (Note: Maeby never slept. Ever.) I was
hacking into the security camera system of the park. You would
be surprised by how low-tech it really is. A baby could’ve
hacked into it. A baby! Anyway, I’ve created a forty-five
minute loop of video that shows nothing but empty park. I
just have to flip this switch and the loop is activated. As
soon as I do, it’s show time. You ready?”
I nodded. “I’m ready.”
She pushed the button and we began.
It took us exactly forty-three minutes and nineteen seconds
to finish. All of the senna was carefully injected into each
food and beverage bulk that the park would sell that day.
We had completed our mission. Now, all that was left to do
was sit back and enjoy the show.
The first guest entered the park at precisely 7:50am. Maeby
was at her position in ticket booth #11 and I was inside the
park on Main Street, holding the eager park guests behind
a red velvet rope until 8am officially struck and we were
allowed to let them into the park.
7:59 and 50 seconds. The countdown began…10, 9, 8, 7,
6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! The rope dropped and off they ran, unknowingly
to their own gastrointestinal demise.
Breakfast was being served at eleven different restaurants
in the park. Our first victims lined up for scrambled eggs
and Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes which they would wash down
with a hefty dose of senna. It would take exactly three and
a half hours from the time of consumption for the senna to
begin taking effect, allowing for the first wave of bathroom
runs to begin just as lunchtime came around. Because of the
widespread park, it would be hard for anyone to realize at
first that something was wrong with a lot of people and that
it might be the park’s food. This would give time for
the rest of guests to consume the senna and add more needed
bathroom stalls.
At about 11:16am, things were feeling like they were starting
to take effect. As I stood at my Pin Trader Cart in front
Splash Mountain, I noticed a few people quickly jumping out
of line and heading for the bathrooms with ill looks on their
faces. About twenty minutes later, the lines for the bathrooms
were growing and growing all over the park.
In an attempt to cover my ass as well as monitor the action,
I went to my boss and told him I needed the rest of the afternoon
off due to severe stomach pain and diarrhea.
“A lot of people have actually been complaining about
that. Must be a flu bug going around. Go ahead, Shady. You
can make up for the hours next week.”
I headed out of the park and made a beeline for Maeby’s
ticket booth. She let me inside.
“It’s starting, Maeby. I think this is going to
be bigger than we thought. There are already ten to twenty-people
lines for a lot of the bathrooms, especially the ones in Critter
Country. This is going to be fantastic!”
Maeby’s joy cannot be described in words, but let’s
just say she’ll never be able to wear that pair of pants
again. How ironic.
She handed a disguise to use in order to get back into the
park. I quickly put it on. Maeby said it made me look like
an older Tina Yothers and I agreed.
Another boother by the name of Gladys relieved (ha, ha, ha…relieved)
Maeby for her lunch break and she and I headed into the park.
As soon as we walked through the main gate, chaos had already
broken out. Dozens of people were heading for the restrooms
off of Main Street while some snuck up to the bundles of trees
behind City Hall. My and Maeby’s mouths dropped and
we looked at each other in with more excitement than a whore
at a corporate party.
 We
headed into FantastyLand where we overheard guests’
conversations. They were beginning to catch on that it must
be the food. A few people thought that some chemical agent
had been released into the air by terrorists and that’s
what was making everyone sick. One Goth kid was heard saying,
“It’s got to be the evil Disney corporation testing
some sort of new product or something on us. I knew we shouldn’t
have come here.”
After an hour of enjoying the show, Maeby returned to her
booth. She’d planned on telling the head boother an
hour later that she was also feeling ill, probably something
she ate at lunch, and that she needed to head home. I headed
back into the park and waited.
I was sitting on a bench near the Haunted Mansion when a tiny
Asian man who looked like he had just walked off the set of
It’s A Small World, approached me.
“Come with me, prease” he said.
I was confused. “I’m sorry. Do I know you?”
He took out his buck teeth and whispered, “Beth, it’s
me! The buck teeth make me laugh. Ping pong, ching chong.
Ha ha ha ha. Let’s go.”
Maeby and I wandered around the park for the next two hours
and witnessed things I never thought I would see in my lifetime.
People were brutal. At first, the embarrassment of an accident
was keeping people sane and polite, but sooner or later, people
were knocking down old ladies and pushing aside strollers,
just to get near a bathroom or secluded place where they could
relieve themselves. Hundreds of people were jumping into the
Mississippi River and relieving themselves there, causing
the water to turn brown quickly. We several people using merchandise
bags, but most were just going on the grounds. The stench
became more than unbearable (luckily we had our simmer’s
noseplugs and masks) which caused dozens of people to throw
up. The streets were paved with vomit and feces and Maeby
and I had created it all!
At 3pm there was an announcement that the park would be closing.
I think the official announcement was, “Ladies and Gentlemen,
boys and girls, due to the obvious condition of our park and
its guests, we will be closing the park. Please head to the
park entrance and return to your homes. We apologize for any
inconvenience.”
We had done it. I laughed loudly and turned to give Maeby
a high five, but noticed she was on the ground. I kneeled
down and held her head in my arms.
“Oh my god, Maeby! Are you alright? Did you eat something
from the park?”
She had a giant grin on her face and slight tears in her eyes.
She looked up at me and whispered, “Revenge is sweet.”
She had done what she needed to do. She was gone.
I cried tears of joy and sadness and laid her body
in front of Sleeping Beauty Castle where she once played Snow
White. I took off the wig and the rest of my disguise and
walked out of the park slowly as hundreds ran by trying to
escape the madness. I knew I had done a good thing for an
old lady.
As I walked out of the park, two Anaheim police grabbed me
and threw me to the ground, handcuffing my hands behind my
back and telling me that I was being arrested for being responsible
for the day’s events. Apparently Maeby didn’t
really know how to loop the video tape.
I spent seven months in jail and had to pay a fine of three
hundred thousand dollars (which I just had my rich uncle Gustav
pay). Eh, it wasn’t so bad. Prison’s actually
a lot of fun. But that’s another story… |
