Volume II • Issue 12• May 2005

In my grandparents’ day (the 1940s), daily dental care usually consisted of a twig and some baking soda. People believed this worked just fine at the time, but my grandparents have had dentures since I’ve know them, so it’s clear said people were gravely mistaken. Great advances have been made in the dental hygiene sciences, and we must all take advantage. There are four essential items that anyone, from tot to teen to the morbidly aged, need to avoid losing their pearly whites:
 
1. THE FABLED TOOTHBRUSH. Be it an olden-times styled, straight-backed, white bristled one or a trendy, bent-necked, reaching design with some blue bristles or even one of those fancy, mechanical jobs with the moving and rotating bristles-- just make sure you have some kind of brush for your teeth. It is one’s first line of defense against such maladies as tooth decay to the all-too-common ‘dragon breath’.
 
2. TOOTHPASTE. This delightful confection assists the toothbrush in oral maintenance. There are many varieties at said grocery store, right by the toothbrushes (see #1). They all fight cavities, but the differences are in the details. To wit: classically, toothpaste is of a minty flavor, but they have bubblegum and sugary kinds for kids. One has to wonder how something sugary fights cavities and freshens breath, though. Stick with the mint, my dear friends. Stick with the mint. Though I don't want to flaunt brand loyalty, I must single out one particular type of toothpaste: Aquafresh Extreme Clean is awe inspiring in it’s mintiness. With flavors like ‘Empowermint’ (get it?), this paste amongst pastes will ably slay your demon breath. (I’ll expect that lifetime supply of Empowermint at my doorstep within the next few weeks, Aquafresh.)
 
3. FLOSS. This is perhaps the most unpleasant of the teeth cleaning devices, but as my last dentist visit has proven to me, it’s nigh unavoidable in the quest to keeping one’s teeth. Why putting a string in-between each tooth is so alternately unpleasant and important vexes me, but apparently it must be done for true dental health.
 
4. MOUTHWASH. Nothing tops off a sound tooth brushing like gingivitis fighting, breath freshening mouthwash. Gargle, then spit. Or, if you're an alcoholic, just swallow it. It's cheaper than liquor, freshens your breath, and you don't need to be 21 to buy it at your local grocers.
 
Look, dearest friends, if you want clean teeth, healthy gums, and fresh breath -- especially when you’re old and gray with time and money to finally do what you want in life after retiring from years of bustin’ your hump forty hours a week at some dipshit day job -- these three amazing items should definitely be in your washroom repertoire.

Please remember to visit your dentist every six months for a routine exam.

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