A Glimpse Behind The Smiles (Part One)

In October of 2002 I moved to Los Angeles from San Francisco due to a harsh case of "grass is always greener" syndrome. Little did I know the grass is not only brown down here, but so is the air.

While I contributed to my future lung cancer, I began to realize that the "City of Angels" offered far less than I had expected. My wet dreams of a land full of writing and acting opportunities around each corner were shattered when all I found around those corners was a crack whore with last night's protein dried on her lips. I quickly gave up the struggling writer/actor gig and decided to get a "real” job."

The fact that within the first two weeks of living here I had already gone to Disneyland thirty-six times inspired me to just get a job there. I figured any job there was way better than any nine to fiver desk job I could get that would eventually become my own personal hell. I jumped off of Star Tours and headed to Disneyland City Hall where Bertha gave me an application to fill out as well as some pointers for the interview. She said:

Wait... that last one wasn't right. But it definitely was something creepy like that. Anyway, I submitted my application and headed home that day. Four days later my phone rang. It was my dad. My grandma broke her hip again. But then my phone rang again and it was Disneyland, wanting me to come in for an interview.

Six fucking interviews and three full physicals (along with nine drug tests) later, I was hired onto the exciting "Cast” of Disneyland" There were fifteen other CMs (Cast Members) in training with me, seven of which I honestly think were, in medical terms, mentally retarded. We were usually split into two groups of eight, and I luckily was always with the "cool” group." The training process resembled one that I imagine Jack Bauer had to go through when he was hired on at CTU: obstacle courses with tires and alligator swamps, beds of nails and three-foot long beer bongs. It was like fucking 'Nam!

One day, while warding off Charlie in the trenches, I made a good friend by the name of Maebyline Turkel. She was seventy-three years old and had an ass you could bounce a quarter off of. She was hired on as a “"boother" at the front gate, selling tickets to fat tourists with fanny packs and visors with brims that they hadn't curved. The "audience," if you will.

Maeby and I quickly bonded due to our shared affection for Orange Julius and "the good ole days," and it wasn't long before she spilled the beans about why she was really there. She told me her real name was Eleanor Gracie and that she once worked for Disneyland, back in 1955 when the park first opened. She played the part of Snow White, walking around the park and greeting little children. It was a dream come true for her she told me. She couldn't do anything other than think about wanting to be Snow White ever since she first saw the film back in 1937.

Unfortunately in 1958, after three years of portraying her idol, Walt himself ordered Maeby (or Eleanor) to be fired, due to her age affecting the portrayal of the Snow White character. "I was only 27 years old!" she shouted across the barracks. I quickly calmed her down and she finished her story.

After being fired for her age and not even being offered another position, Maeby was furious with Disney and wanted her revenge. She plotted for forty-four long years before she returned to the park under her alias, Maebyline Turkel, and applied for a job as a boother to keep her profile low. Most of the women at the front gate booths were Maeby's age and she knew she was sure to get the job.

When her tale was over, Maeby asked if I would be her accomplice in the schemes and plots that she had planned against Disneyland park. My love for Disneyland was overshadowed by my sympathy for and loyalty to Maeby and our bond and I agreed to do it. She said the second she laid eyes on me she knew I would be the one to help her carry out her plans. She needed someone with moxie, someone on the inside, someone "behind the scenes" I couldn't turn away from my new Julius partner. She needed me, and in a way, I needed her.

To be continued next month!

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Bethany Shady is working like mad on the second part of her story, which we're pretty sure won't get us sued. Hopefully.