King or President, I Don't Give a Shit 
by Fingers O'Reilly
 
I think it’s about high time that someone weighed in on the state of beer in America. Since nobody else seems to be doing it, I guess it’s up to me to throw in my two cents. I can tell you that I can speak with a certain authority on the subject, since I’ve been drinking for more than a few years now. Probably a few more than I was supposed to. But you know, college is there for some reason. Sure as hell wasn’t there for my failed attempt at a psych degree. I did more studies in that area on the front porch of my buddy’s house. With beer, actually. Anyhow…

In case you don’t pay attention to stuff on TV, the whole damn beer market’s in a tizzy because of Budweiser and Miller fighting it out. I think it started when Miller started this “President of Beers” campaign that it’s running, making fun of Budweiser for calling itself “King of Beers” and all that. Well, Bud started their own thing making fun of Miller, and now the whole thing’s just gotten weird because it’s like these guys have started running all these ads attacking each other, just like a real political thing.

Okay, so this leaves me to point out that both companies are obviously being marketed by a bunch of jackasses. I don’t like political ads about actual POLITICS. Why in God’s name would I want to take something that I actually like and fuck it all up by adding all this political bullshit to it? Guys, you’re a bunch of assholes. Remember when you did ads that were good? I mean, think about it--as a bunch of beer drinkers, once we’re out of that buddy-buddy college hangout thing, we’re pretty set in our tastes. We’ve got out kind of beer, we stick to it, and a TV ad isn’t going to change what we like. The only thing your ads need to do is remind us that we should be drinking a beer right now, instead of some kind of diet soda that our wives think we like.

Get the point? You’re wasting all that money doing nothing but irritating us. Remember when you guys used to be FUNNY? Bud Frogs. All that “Great Taste / Less Filling” stuff. The “Gimmie a Light” series. It was entertaining. It made us laugh, and it made us want to drink. For the love, you’ve even gotten away from the basic message of the beer ad. There are supposed to be hot chicks all around when we drink your beer. Running around, playing Frisbee. Remember all that? That’s the kind of can we want to see on the TV, not what your stuff comes in. It’s like the quality of beer commercials peaked with that “catfight” series that ran a while back with those two chicks in the fountain. Have you all just given up after that? Geeze, I mean, at least try and bring back “Spuds McKenzie” first, since all this other ‘80s stuff is hip again.

So, since you’ve decided to make it political, I’m gonna have to do that same. With all due respect to America’s one remaining decent beer maker, Sam Adams, I’m gonna have to go Canadian.

Yup, if you guys are gonna piss me off, I’m turning myself into Molson drinker. So what if hockey season is over and there’s not any other good reason to support Canada. They make good beer, and I’m going to start buying it exclusively, just because you fucking domestic bottlemonkeys have lost your way. Can the political shit and get back to what we want to see.

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Fingers is an occasional contributor for the footnote. He was relieved when we told him that Canadian beer doesn't necessarily cost more because it's not a true "domestic."