The Sweet Smell of Christmas
Another book review by Fingers O'Reilly
 
In observance with the holidays, I thought I’d bust out a really special kind of book. It’s not even one the kid had on his shelf, although by the time I’m done with this, it’ll be sitting right there next to “Pepo and Lolo are Friends.” Not ever looked inside that one, but then again I tend to not have an interest in stuff that sounds like it came from the gay video section of a porn shop. Nothin’ wrong with it. Just not my thing.
 
So I started out by going out and getting a new copy of “The Sweet Smell of Christmas.” This was a book that I had growing up, and I remember going apeshit for it every year when it came out of storage after Thanksgiving. See, this book was extra special, because it was a “Scratch & Sniff” book. Hells yeah! Scratch and Sniff was a great idea from childrens’ book people, and it probably got tons more kids to read simply because they could run their little noses up and down the pages like they had little baby lines of coke on them. Not that kids doing drugs is funny. I just thought that was a good metaphor. Shit, that’s really a simile, isn’t it? Nuts. Kids, just say “no.”
 
The book revolves around Little Bear, who wakes up one morning to discover the house filled with wonderful smells. He goes down to the kitchen, where mother bear is cooking up some Christmas cheer, and asks her what it is. She explains that Christmas is coming, and that’s what he smells. For some reason, it’s easier than saying “It’s this apple pie that I’m holding. Go watch television.” So the reader is now given the first chance to smell one of six amazing scents in the book -- apple pie. Scratch…
 
Smells like one of those Glade plug-ins. Not as good as I remember.
 
After our little bear chows down on his bowl of Super Golden Crisp, he heads out with his father on a mission -- they’re going to get a tree. So they head off into the woods, cut one down, and as they cart it back, the little bear declares that it now smells even more like Christmas, because of the pine tree. You know what this means… sniffable pine tree!
 
Kind of a boring smell, actually. Don’t think it’s much like pine. The green stuff I use on the toilet smells a little more like pine. But still, I remember it being decent as a kid.
 
Back at the bear house, it’s time to decorate the tree. After all the decorations have been put up, mother bear realizes that something is missing. She goes to the kitchen and brings back a shitload of candy canes to hang on the tree. Of course, you and I get to smell the candy canes. This one was my favorite smell in the book… I used to sniff it over and over, like I was huffing glue or something. Although since it’s a scented sticker, I guess I was technically sniffing glue. Again, just say “no,” kiddies!
 
Oh, it’s just as good as I remember, really like peppermint. I wish that Axe body spray came in this smell.
 
Bear jumps up and down at the sigh of the tree and claps his paws in delight. He knows that Christmas isn’t far away now. Mother bear goes to get his Ritalin.
 
Later, Little Bear comes into the kitchen to find his mother working on making gingerbread boys, and she tells him he can help before he even asks. So our little bear helps decorate the gingerbread men, and although the authors don’t mention it, don’t you think that mother bear kind of screwed herself on that one? You know she had to go back and redo half of them. But we’re given the opportunity for smell number four -- gingerbread. Kids would never think about this, but as a big, perverted kid I can’t help but notice the scratch and sniff sticker for this one is situated almost on top of the gingerbread man’s crotch. Damn, maybe this does belong next to “Pepo and Lolo.”
 
The gingerbread smell is another one of the good ones. It actually smells just like a gingersnap.
 
As the night wears on, the bears are visited by a group of bear carolers, who are invited in for hot chocolate which we’re told smelled “sweet and chocolately.” Gosh, really? Little Bear can hardly contain himself -- “Oh, now I can smell Christmas,” Bear said. “It’s going to happen right away! This is a good point to mention how think the authors missed a golden opportunity in this book. They should’ve had some bear relatives come by, and we could’ve smelled Grandma Bear’s perfume. That would have been a perfect scent for a holiday book.
 
In the meantime, the hot chocolate scent smells like wet cardboard. Just like I remember it.
 
Finally, it’s Christmas morning, and our Little Bear wakes up, runs down the stairs and grabs his stocking from the fireplace. It’s loaded with all sorts of toys and candies, but the thing that we’re drawn to is the big, juicy orange sitting on top – one that we get to scratch and sniff. An orange? I mean, that’s okay… but it’s kind of lame in that it’s the last scent we’re going to get out of the book. Just couldn’t give the kid some beef jerky or something that’s got a more interesting smell? I mean, the father bear is even smoking a pipe on the last page. Why not use that? I guess you could claim that it teaches kids to like the smell of tobacco, but what the hell. I’ve already got them snorting coke and sniffing glue at this point. Anyhow, the orange smells a little like an orange, but who gives a shit by now.
 
The book ends with Little Bear unwrapping all of his gifts and declaring it to be the best Christmas ever, and all the bears agree! Yay, Christmas! Okay, so I’m much older now, and sure as hell a lot less innocent, but this book still gives me a little warm fuzzy. I guess the best thing to do with it now is to hand it over to the kid, and see if he likes the candy cane scent as much as his old man.

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Fingers can seem like a man of little substance at times, and we're happy to prove that you're not imagining it.