| Bethany:
All right, let's get the show on the road and talk about this
here piece of brilliance called The 'Burbs.
 Dustin:
OH! I need my notes... (looks for notes)
Bethany: It literally made me piss myself
the first time I saw it.
DJ: Everything makes you piss yourself. You
have a condition.
Bethany: True.
Dustin: Do we dare try to break down the
plot of this "masterpiece”?
DJ: Why don't we let the guest Trooch do
the honor?
Dustin: Rookie hazing!
Bethany: Awww, shit. All right, let's see...
Dustin: While she's typing, I feel it important
to note that I've got "Corey Feldman" inside a heart
on my notepad. Because.... I heart Corey Feldman!
DJ: Oh, for chrissakes, Dustin... You're
so fickle. Last week it was Haim! PICK A COREY!!!
Dustin: I hate Haim. He ’s the devil
DJ: Did he break your heart?
Bethany: Anyway, there ’s this quiet
suburban street where the neighbors live the "American
life" …
Dustin: Oh! She's got plot. Shut up for a
sec!
Bethany: …when all of a sudden, the
Klopeks move in, a family of three that very closely resembles
my dad and two brothers. These Klopeks don't take care of
their yard, they gots bees in their doorbell and shit …
Dustin: D.J.'s hitting me.
DJ:
WHA!?? I am not!
Bethany: …they're seen digging in the
middle of the night. I mean, these are ALL things that Deej
and I see every day in Hollywood, and we don't blink an eye
at, but in this suburban hood, it freaks all the other neighbors
out, and they start gettin’ all suspicious.
Dustin: Oh! can we talk about Corey now?
Bethany: …Three of the neighbors mobilize
and decide to figure out if their neighbors are like, vampires
or beasts, or some shit like that. There's an ex-army dude,
a fat guy, and Tom Hanks (who doesn't have a stereotypical
description since he always plays "Tom Hanks" in
every movie he's in).
Dustin: Agreed on the Tom Hanks note
DJ: Like, how he's retarded and met a bunch
of famous, 60's cultural icons?
Dustin: But he's still Tom Hanks. He transcends.
Bethany: And Tom Hanks IS retarded in real
life. His mom and dad are brother and sister.
DJ: Actually, I miss the kinda b-list, comedy
Hanks on display in The 'Burbs. He's better than
"important, Oscar Hanks."
Bethany: Oscar Hanks is his uncle. That's
the Latino side.
Dustin: I really think The ‘Burb
features great early Hanks. There's one scene in the middle
where he flies into what can only be described as a vintage
Tom Hanks Rage. I don't think it got much better... maybe
only in Turner and Hooch. His THR peaked then.
Bethany: Ha ha ha, yeah! Is it where he crushed
the beer cans?
Dustin: Yes, the beer can scene.
DJ: Indeed. HANKS RAGE!!!
Bethany: Nice.
DJ: One of the things I love about this movie
now that I maybe didn't when I was a kid and first saw it
is how, yeah, everyone's silly and there are goofy hijinks,
but there is real horror movie shit in it! I think it almost
works either way, which kicks ass.
Bethany: Yeah, that part where Ray is dreaming
still totally freaks me out!
Dustin: Yes, there is a horror feel... but
mostly I'd say the directing style apes Spaghetti Westerns
the most.
DJ: I like Spaghetti...
Bethany: Mmmmmm, spaghetti.
Dustin: Nice, I'm glad we can think with
our stomachs...
Bethany: Art Weingarten likes it, too, along
with ALL food. I LOVE when he's eating all their food. He’s
a BEAST!
Dustin: Getting back to that whole spaghetti
western vibe, there are several places where the director
starts taking all of these close-up eye shots …
Bethany: Yeah, the best is the close up of
the dog! Queenie!
Dustin: …and the musical score by the
late Jerry Goldsmith sounds like a western.
Bethany: Yeah, I hear that.
Dustin: The Western sound is most noticeable
on Tom's approach to the Klopeks' door for the first time.
 DJ:
I love the Bruce Dern music, too, for his character, the now
almost ironically named "Rumsfield.”
Dustin: Just one letter away -- and yeah,
Bruce Dern was great in this.
DJ: My god, what happened to Bruce Dern?
HE SHOULD BE A COMIC GOD!!!!
Bethany: He was in Jurassic Park.
DJ: As a raptor?
Bethany: No. You probably didn't recognize
him though ‘cause he had long blonde hair.
DJ: He's prettier in The 'Burbs.
Bethany: Yeah, totally.
DJ: So, gang, did you both see this when
it first came out, back in 1989? When you were lil' ones?
Bethany: I think I rented it a few years
later. It’s definitely a long time fave.
Dustin: I don't remember the first time I
saw this... I think it was on video or TV.
DJ: I think I rented it, too. With fellow
“the footnote” columnist Tadd Branum, actually...
Bethany: “Hey, one of the Huns came
outta the cave!” [ed. note - she's started randomly
spouting out quotes from the movie.]
DJ: I wasn't too into it then, until Art
and Tom Hanks find... WALTER'S FEMUR!!!!!!!!!!!
Dustin: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
DJ: That part, with the playful zoom in/zoom
out camera and screaming? It made me love not only the movie,
but also that camera move!
Dustin: And might I add, I'd forgotten Carrie
Fisher was in this as Hanks' wife.
Bethany: Dude, the guy who plays Klopek’s
son in this was actually dead while filming. They did a whole
Weekend at Bernie's type of dealio with his body.
DJ: She's a film historian, by the way...
Dustin: Wow. So my points of view are invalid?
DJ: Huh? Where's this sudden self-doubt coming
from, Dustin?
Dustin: Because she's smarter than me.
DJ: Or is it because Corey Feldman won't
return your calls?
Bethany: Hahahahaha.
Dustin: You're just jealous .
DJ: You bet your Irish ass I am!!!!!
Dustin: Corey Feldman is so Corey Feldman
in this film.
DJ: He’s so Corey Feldman it hurts..
and kind of burns. To be honest, for the first time in my
life, the Corey Feldman both repels and attracts.
Bethany: Yeah, this is his best film -- although,
I AM a huge fan of Ninja Turtles.
DJ: He only did vocal work in that, so TMNT
doesn't count!
Dustin: Okay, so she's a film historian...
and you're a NERD. NEEEEEURRRRD!
DJ: ULTIMATE NEEEEURRRD, thank you.
Bethany: Okay, I’d like to acknowledge
a funny line, and it's one of Corey's… your lover, Dustin…
after the bees swarm Art and Ray the Corey says, "Ya'
know, the same thing happened to me when I was over there
the other day. it wasn't bees though, it was a foaming squirrel."
Hahahahahaha! I just peed!
Dustin: Nice.
DJ: Again! You always pee! And that is a
great line, but I still can't decide if I'm glad that the
Feldman's in this, or if I hate that the Feldman’s in
this.
 Dustin:
Hey, getting back to Art... as a character and as an actor,
would you say someone actually wrote that part for Dan Ackroyd,
then Dan Ackroyd wouldn't do it, and so they went out and
found some generic version of Dan Ackroyd to do it? Because
that's the feeling I get every time I see this.
Bethany: Now that you mention it, yeah!
DJ: Dude, I don't know. I love Art in this,
and I hate Ackroyd ever since he hit on my woman.
Bethany: Hahahaha, yeah, Aykroyd is a horny
beast! I bet Art would be more of a gentleman.
DJ: He's gentler, but I honestly don't remember
him in anything but The 'Burbs.
Bethany: Art was in Spaceballs,
a previous void that was filled.
Dustin: He was? (consulting IMDB) Ah... "Prison
Guard."
DJ: To me, there is no actor who plays "Art"...
There is only ART!!!
Bethany: Exactly.
DJ: He's great in this. The character is
so hilarious. I didn't know how funny the characters and the
dialogue were when I first watched it as a chubby 12-year-old,
but now, as a chubby 42-year-old, I love it so much more.
It makes me chuckle every viewing. I love all the characters.
Dustin: I just want to know why none of the
people living on this block have jobs besides Tom Hanks' character.
Bethany: That's a good question.
Dustin: I mean, only some are of "retirement
age"...
Bethany: Well, Art probably talked his way
into some disability from work or something …
Dustin: …or maybe he's a teacher...
Bethany: …and Rumsfield is probably
retired …
Dustin: …as this seems to take place
over the summer.
Bethany: …and Corey Feldman ’s
character probably sells drugs out of his basement.
Dustin: Stop talking smack about Corey! He’s
rehabbed now.
Bethany: My bad.
DJ: I think Art has an 80-year-old sugar
momma who buys all his snazzy clothes.
Bethany: Well, he does have a wife who is
away for the entire movie, so maybe she's in Tahiti with her
secret lover or something, spending tons of cash.
DJ: Not to knock Feldman, but his character,
with all the, "I love this street" and talking to
the camera at the end and shit... I know he ’s supposed
to be, like, the one for the audience to identify with or
something, but I could've done without him.
Dustin: Yeah, frankly I agree. He doesn't
accomplish anything.
DJ: And yet... I like it when he calls Art
“Mr. Weingartner" and yet describes him as "the
fat guy.”
Bethany: He has some pretty funny lines,
but yeah, I fucking HATE that last line at the end, "I
love this street." He sucks. Sorry, Dustin.
DJ: His hair's great, though.
Dustin: Feldman's hair was at its feathered
height here.
DJ: That hair kept going, though. You're
right. REACHING FOR THE HEAVENS!!! But that poor sumbitch
peaked in Stand by Me.
Dustin: Dude, he was good in The Goonies,
too.
DJ: I'm not going there. I'm the only person
of my entire generation who isn't down with The Goonies.
Dustin:
Goonies never say "die," asshole!
Bethany: Yeah, you're lame for that, Deej.
Among many other things.
Dustin: Might I suggest, as we're still talking
about casting.... that Henry Gibson as Dr. Klopek was great.
Bethany: I used to have a mega crush on Gibson
when he was on Laugh In…
DJ: Really? Ug …I just puked in my
mouth a little.
Bethany: …and then I saw him in this
and was SO turned off.
Dustin: Henry Gibson is a great bad guy.
DJ: He’s so delightfully creepy, in
this more refined way than the other Klopeks.
Dustin: Exactly.
DJ: I love his turn in Magnolia,
but that's another void to fill.
Bethany: Whoa! Hello! … "It smells
like their cookin' a goddamn cat over there."
DJ: I never noticed how much you remind me
of Bruce Dern, Beth.
Dustin: Hey! She's hotter than Bruce Dern.
Bethany: Thank you, lad.
Dustin: Frankly, right now, I'd say she's
even hotter than Corey. Certainly hotter than either of us,
at any rate.
Bethany: Wow, that's so generous!
DJ: Get your hand out of your pants and focus
on The 'Burbs!
Bethany: But it's comfortable.
DJ: You're no slouch, though, Dustin. Don't
sell yourself short. Handsome devil.
Dustin: Stop sucking up... I'm still pissed
at you about the Goonies thing.
DJ: What movie are we talking about? Gremlins?
Bethany: "I've never seen that. I never
seen someone drive their garbage out to the street and then
bang the hell out of it with a stick. I've never seen that."
Dustin: Haha!
DJ: You know, unlike Tom Hanks' character,
I HAVE seen someone take their garbage out in the middle of
the night an bang the hell out of it. Not to bring up Tadd
again …
Bethany: Hahaha, that Branum.
Dustin: You keep coming up with these great
lines, Bethany, whereas I appreciate the dorkier bits, like
where Carrie Fisher and Tom Hanks are scoring themselves at
home while watching Jeopardy! -- It’s so suburban
‘80s.
Bethany: Deej and I do that with The
Family Feud.
DJ: That's very real. Little touches like
that keep this movie grounded. Even with all the nonsense
going on.
Bethany: Yeah. Oh! I want to point out something
about the two garbage men in the film: one of them was in
Gremlins, and the other was in Gremlins 2.
CONSPIRACY!!!
Dustin: I thought you were gonna say that
one of them is Robert Picardo, but your trivia was more interesting.
DJ: Yep, and both Gremlins movies
were directed by one Joe Dante... DIRECTOR OF THE 'BURBS!!!
Bethany: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dustin: I smell favoritism.
DJ: Now poor Dante is languishing in drivel
like Looney Toons: Back in Action. Sad is all. He
was rocking back in the day.
Dustin: Okay, talking with you two has gotten
me all over stimulated. I think I need to leave now. I need
to go to my room and find my quiet place.
DJ: (channeling a young Corey Feldman) Do
you use your left or right hand for that?
Dustin: Both.
Bethany: Alrighty, then. I need to go wash
my feet anyway.
Dustin: Wash your feet?
DJ: Wrapping it up, I now love this movie.
More than is healthy. So, who wants a The 'Burbs
special edition re-released in theatres with THX sound on
fucking IMAX screens???
Bethany: ME!
Dustin: It would be very cool to see this
movie at some "Midnight Movie" showing somewhere.
Bethany: Yeah.
DJ: That's so true. I'd love that. This is
classic cult movie stuff.
Dustin: While I don't think it's the bee's
knees, I do find it very enjoyable. I think it's a good film
to watch with friends.
DJ: What say, after this “Filling the
Void ” mess, we all go to a bar and charge lots of hooch
to the footnote corporate account, and then watch
The 'Burbs again?
Dustin: Now you're talkin'!
Bethany: Sounds good to me. |
