Bacon Ain't No Meat
with art by Debbie
 
Ah, bacon. Crispy, salty delightful strips of pig ass. I know that a popular film character once declared swine a “filthy animal” not worth eating, but anyone who doesn’t eat bacon is a silly fuck! But, despite bacon’s origins from Porky the Pig, I’ve come to a startling conclusion that will come as no surprise to anyone who’s read the title to this edition of the LARD.
 
Bacon is not meat.
 
“Now, ho’d it. Ho’d it, straitch,” you say upon reading that bold declaration. “Bacon come from peegs. Peegs is meat. You said as much yo’ own se’f!” I know I did, reader with piss poor grammar and strange annunciation, but we arguably started out as a lil’ sperm. Do we still call ourselves sperm? I don’t. That’s fucked up. So, while bacon started out as pig meat, once it’s cut into those delectable strips and seasoned and grilled to crispy perfection (it MUST be crispy) it ceases to be meat and becomes BACON. Meat is to sperm as bacon is to people.
 
To test my theory, I called up my Uncle Jeff, who is a farmer. He told me that he raises cows, not pigs. But he was pretty sure bacon is meat.
 
“IT’S FUCKING NOT!” I screamed.
 
“Uh, D.J., I’m pretty sure it is,” he countered, becoming uncomfortable.
 
“BULLSHIT, Jeff! BULLSHIT! Think about it, man! Think about it!”
 
There was a pause. “I, uh, I didn’t even know you had this number, D.J.”

The conversation died from there, but this illustrates the kind of close-minded thinking I’m up against here. We’ve all been taught that since bacon’s origins go back to pigs (and let’s not clutter this argument with turkey and veggie bacon and all that hubbub—keep it true), that it’s meat. Why do people insist on clinging to outdated ways of thinking? If we clung to every outmoded way of thinking, women wouldn’t vote, Mr. T would have to sit on the back of the bus, and the live-action Dudely Do-Right movie dreck would NEVER be on American Movie “Classics”!
 
None of us want to be totally defined by where we originated. At least none who think. We all want the opportunity to grow and change. Why not let bacon have that as well? Sure, it starts off as the rump of Babe the Pig, but then it becomes something more. It blossoms from the seed of pig meat into the flower that is bacon. The pig flesh is a mere caterpillar, but the bacon, ah, the bacon is the beautiful butterfly.
 
So, if not true meat, what is bacon in the grand scheme of meals? It can be a side for breakfast. Like with pancakes. Mmmmm. Or it’s maybe a condiment like ketchup or mustard. For reals. Actually(!), bacon has more in common with cheese than with the actual meat of a sandwich like hamburger or tender chicken breast! Yeah! It’s a  TOPPING! Like, you buy a bacon cheeseburger. That says it all! The bacon and cheese are together, first, before the burger. On TOP of the burger. Two TOPPINGS!
 
So you think about that! You PONDER that, readers! You let that sink in next time you’re making a BLT (bacon lettuce and tomato) “sandwich”. I mean, what kind of sandwich doesn’t have meat? Maybe add some chicken to that. Make it a meal. Because, yeah, bacon’s delightful, but it ain’t no main course. ‘Cause why? ‘Cause meat is ALWAYS the main course! And bacon, say it with me, ain’t no meat!

~~~~~
 
D.J. is a regular contributor to the footnote, and very well might be insane. The doctors say that his condition probably isn't brought on by an overdose of bacon, but they're still testing.