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Attention Def... huh?
I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to be the master of any one talent, skill or kind of knowledge. This puts a definite crimp on my ego at times, since it seems to be much harder to gain notoriety as a jack-of-all-trades as opposed to an itinerant master of any given field (and for someone that nurtures his ego like a gardener with a rare plant, that’s big). I’m sure a few of you that are within proverbial earshot can relate, but let me lay it out for those that might not.
For example, I dig sports, yet I am not the guy that can spout endless sports statistics, list players, and monitor four different sports at once. Granted this may also be a result of not having cable… or ever leaving my apartment. Cite more examples?
I’m a fan of “geeky” things like comics, yet I’d be hard-pressed to name artists and writers outside the mainstream. My knowledge of other geekery – computers, Star Wars,* The Simpsons – is much more vast, but again, I cannot even begin to claim that I’m the be-all-end-all source of knowledge here. (Granted, even this bit of knowledge is enough to drive most eligible women screaming from me).
Additionally, I also really dig film – I’ve even tried making movies on small scale. Yet there are huge holes in “what I’ve seen,” and I’m the last guy you want to ask about something that’s currently playing.
And despite the fact that I’m making a career in music, I’ll openly admit that my knowledge of rock music – my “Band IQ” as it were – is shamefully low. Ditto with my degree in music: I learned the basics of the classical and jazz rep, but my only depth of knowledge is in vocal music, and that’s still well below the level of many of my peers.
As it turns out, I’m the guy that seems to know a little bit about a whole lot of stuff – from just enough to be able to bullshit my way though a conversation, to more than a lot of people, but not as good as an expert on the subject. (I think I could actually put the Star Wars trivia into this category… wow, I really need to let that go, man). Again, maybe some of you out there can relate.
So why am I like this? Well, I suppose I could parade around and say things like, “Well, I have so many interests, I can’t focus on just one.” Quite surprisingly, I’m going to check my fragile ego here, and say that in this case that’s not the issue. I think my problem is simpler: I’m the victim of a short attention span.
It’s not the kind of attention-deficit action that probably springs first to mind (I only get that way when I’m drinking). The brand I suffer from is actually some kind evil tortured artist kind of attention-deficit disorder. I have an attention span that will last roughly six to eight days on any given project or interest. During that time, I can be a man possessed with his work – the single-minded, sleep-lacking, talking-to-myself kind of absorbed that is a hallmark of the truly inspired. This is great, especially since I can get that way without having an iota of genuine inspiration, but the intensity just doesn’t last, and I drift off to something else.
Aside from little things like seriously jeopardizing my plans for world domination (I’ve found that building a robot army one drone at a time doesn’t fit well into my window of attentiveness), this can actually affect my writing somewhat. I really think there’s a reason that I’ve ended up as a writer of mostly essays. I’m really happy operating at that level of writing, but I still I think I may try to branch out a little with a new idea: start the Hallmark brand equivalent of signature quotes. You know - it’s been the rage for quite some time for people to put witty, clever or poignant quotes at the bottom of their emails. I do it, too, which is why I’m jumping all over the new idea.
There are stories about aspiring writers that have ended up with well-paying jobs writing greeting cards (I can’t name examples… but if they were well-known, they wouldn’t be writing greeting cards, would they?). So why couldn’t I make my online publishing endeavors lucrative? I’m going to become the first guy to come up with signature block material and charge people for it. Let me give you some examples. (See, I can play the role of the junkie dealer: give you a few free samples, and then get you hooked enough to overcharge you for my product. I’m confident enough in this that I’m even sharing my marketing strategies with you).
Some of the goods:
…for types like me:
“Cynicism is like the cream filling of my sarcastic Twinkie.”
“I don’t need to prove you’re wrong - just to harass you about the possibility.”
…for those looking to impart philosophical wisdom while emailing:
“Since the Earth is round, even the French are actually running toward a battle.”
…and for those that like random absurdity (I enjoy writing this kind):
“Excuse me, I ordered this email with dressing on the side.”
“Please disregard this email, I never learned to type.”
“This electronic transmittal is safe from the eyes of the Amish.”
“Fish.”
While I’m still trying to devise a method to ensure that I’ll get paid royalties for my work, I’m fully confident that I’ll have something figured out in short order. In the meantime, feel free to quote my work in your own sig blocks to get some word of mouth going. Then when I’m ready to start reaping cash benefits for my witticisms, I’ll already have a customer base eager for my one-shots of concentrated brilliance.**
Remember: “Anti-Quotes: When you want to finish your email with the very best.”
* I apparently talk about this a lot, according to some people around here.
** And since this is obviously the best essay I’ve ever, ever written, you can see how potent it would be if it were distilled down to one line.
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