As it turns out, I may not make my fortune by becoming a celebrated writer after all. Well, I guess I should clarify that – not by being a writer of essays . Musicals, on the other hand… that’s where the money is.
Consider if you will the current state of Broadway: dominated by odd works like Urinetown, shows that are rehashes of Disney features, and the ultimate mind-blower, opera that’s been watered-down and popped-up to make it popular? Whoa. Okay, that brings up the whole issue of opera having been around for 400 years while modern musical theatre ’s only about 80, and why do we suddenly have to dummy down what might be the ultimate art form to make it enjoyable? But I’m not going to get into that debacle now. For one, it would involve me having to do research to speak intelligently on the matter. I think we all know by now I much prefer to just kind of make things up as I go. So with that in mind…
I’m now assuming that with my modest undergrad degree in music, I could successfully put together a smash hit – if not more than one – for the Broadway stage. Because it’s not about the level of musical ability involved in writing one of these modern shows. Sure, there are a few currently out there that have legitimate legs to stand on, but for the most part, we’re talking adequate books with marginally acceptable scores. The thing that really seems to be selling these things, aside from the big-name draw of a star, is having some kind of clever gimmick.
Come up with a mediocre product that has a really clever gimmick or idea? Can there even be an argument that I’m your guy?
Now with my strategy in mind, I’ve actually laid out a long-term plan for domination on Broadway. Over the course of the next 10-12 years, I’ll write and unleash upon the world what will undoubtedly become three of the most pointless – yet celebrated – musicals of the early 21st Century.
Coming soon to a venue near you… the national tour of Knight Rider: The Musical .
 Oh heavens yes. Not just a talking car, but a black, shiny singing Trans-Am. The best part of the whole idea is that I’m sure that I could get David Hasslehoff to open the show by reprising his role as Michael Knight. I mean, the man CAN sing after all (he actually headlined a production of Jekyll & Hyde). Obviously the show’s going to fly simply on the merits of special effects, novelty, and star-power. It’s got to be my first effort (especially if I’m going to land Hasslehoff before he’s too old and before his German popularity wanes). Which is why for my second work, I’m going to need a more solid libretto. So I’m going to ask my buddy D.J. to help me write and produce…
The Greatest American Hero (a new musical by Dustin Grovemiller). See? Another smash-hit waiting to happen. Sure, I ride the 80s nostalgia train as long as I can, but Ilean more heavily on having a catchy musical hook. I tell you, there is no better way to hook than by utilizing the theme song to The Greatest American Hero. Can’t you just imagine the uplifting power of the finale, when a triumphant red-suited Ralph Hinkley is joined on stage by the entire company singing “Believe it or not, I’m walking on air…”
It gives me shivers just thinking about it.
Now the third one’s going to be the toughest, because the populous will be on to my game and I’ll no longer have the novelty of my clever rehashes to sell my works. So instead of coming up with a brilliant action-packed musical version of The A-Team, or the touching , intrigue-filled romance of Remington Steele (I was planning on saving Scarecrow and Mrs. King for a possible one-shot attempt at opera), I’m going to completely go in a different direction. Like so many that have come before me, I’m going to steal from La Bohème .
This retelling is going to take place in the late 90s, when the dot-com bust has suddenly left thousands of young programmers and designers struggling to make ends meet. Four young guys in Seattle – one a coder, another a web designer, the third a new-tech developer, and the fourth a grunge musician (it is Seattle after all) – share a loft and are barely staying off the street. When the coder meets a beautiful young woman, love is in the air… until she’s tragically stricken with, oh… say, that flesh-eating bacteria stuff. With no health care coverage and her new friends unable to help, she tragically dies. End of story, with the exception that Hollywood might want to pick this up and do a screen version. This will be fifteen years down the road after all, and Frankie Muniz should be looking for his first “artsy” project by then.
And thus will end my time as a contributor to the world of musical theatre. Of course, when all that is over, I’m just going to refocus my questionable talents on my first love: writing essays that only one in five people actually find amusing. But since my fortune and name will be secure thanks to my phenomenal musical juggernauts, I can spend the rest of my days happily writing quality self-published material that I’ll never get paid for. Ah, fate is such a cruel mistress…
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