Productivity is at an all-time low. If it doesn’t involve watching TV, eating, or sleeping I want no part of it. Sure, sure, I have grand plans for success … things I would do and accomplish "if only". "If only" what? "If only" I wasn’t lazy-as-all-fuck? "If only" I’d not been in that one-in-a-million freak science lab accident?!?
Oh, hello. Perhaps you’ve no idea what I’m going on about… perhaps we should take a trip to several years ago … when everything changed …
I was a young college grad full of life, dreams, and ambition … all of which were put on hold that one fateful-ass day in a science lab. I was there visiting a friend of mine. He had to put his beaker and lab coat and Bunsen burner back in his locker, so I waited for him in the seemingly innocent "Human Radioactive & DNA Experiments" room.
From what I gathered these scientists were pushing the limits of human potential by radioactively manipulating the good old God-made DNA of several "volunteer" (read: anti-war, hippie types) subjects. The experiments were locked in cages, asleep from the nightly dose of bourbon and Leno monologues … But one of the cages was empty. Its door just swung with excessive squeaking. Something was going down, and I was right in the shit.
Before I had a chance to talk to myself and explain the situation aloud expositionally some pudgy guy in a hospital gown lazily bumped into me. As I yelped in shock he bit me for no good reason! Everything went immediately dark.
When I came to my friend was looking over me, a worried/guilty look on his face. Apparently the guy what bit me was the "genetic left over" subject (yeah, kinda like Danny DeVito in "Twins"). The scientifically lethargic bastard had wandered out of his cage looking for snacks and a TV. He was too lazy to put up much of a fight and was quickly contained not long after his attack on my innocent-bystander-ass.
Nodding, I told my friend that whatever else he wanted to explain was boring to me. I was woozy and had him help me to a local bar so I could get shit-faced (naturally) and then home.
The next morning my alarm went off at 7:30 AM for work just like it always did in those days. Rather than dutifully turn it off and hop in the shower, getting ready for work, I found myself hitting "snooze" and dozing back off to sleep. This happened seven times. Finally rolling out of bed forty-five minutes late for work, I chose to forego the shower and stumbled to the kitchen.
I then poured me a bowl of cereal, uncharacteristically leaving the box open on the counter and not wiping up the milk I spilled. Breakfast in tow, I plopped on the couch, yawned, and turned on the TV.
Two hours of channel surfing and five bowls of various cereals later it became clear to me that I might as well not go to work at all that day.
And that’s how it happened. That’s how I became the mildly overweight, lazy, always half-asleep bitch I am today. Just a fatefully fateful twist of fate. Now, four years later, I use my powers for the good of fast food joints and beer companies everywhere!
Damn … all this typing is making me tired. Better just end this right now and <yawn> take a nap … after I eat something …
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