Rubber Towels?
goings-on and shenanigans courtesy of d.j. kirkbride

So I went to a public restroom, and after I did my business (numbers one and two, if you MUST know you fucking nosey, bm-obsessed freak-ass sick-o’s), I naturally wanted to wash my hands (at least I hope ya'll thought "naturally"). Now, some of you may not know this obscure little factoid, but after one washes one's hands with soap and water, the water will leave said person's hands wet.

So I turned around to the paper towel dispenser to, y'know, get a paper towel to dry my hands. It looked kinda weird, though - like a white, metallic machine (normal enough), but the shape was different, and there were two quarter slots. I'm all "50 muh’ fuckin’ cent for a paper towel?!? DEEEEE-AAAAMN!!!" But, well, ya' gotsta' dry the hands lest they become chapped and brittle.

So I shelled out the change and this teeny little blue balloon lookin' package dropped out of the paper towel dispenser. Now I'm starting to get annoyed. "How do these lil' balloon thingies dry my hands?" Answer: They don't!!! This is the worst toiletry idea since air hand dryers!

Bad towels, but they make the best little water balloons. Water into lemonade. Hey! I just made that up. Wow. What a clever boy I am. I should get a fucking cookie.

Damn, Again?
urbanite whining by dustin grovemiller

Why, oh WHY are you guys always out of plain bagels? I mean, it’s almost one out of every three times that I come in here that you’ve run out by 9:30. Okay, so that’s not ALWAYS, but that’s still a lot. No, I don’t want anything with raisins in it. I want my plain bagel, toasted and with butter just like I order every time I come in here for breakfast.

Hey, I’m kind of serious, here. If I was managing this place and I saw that I was routinely running out of plain bagels, yet always seem to have a ton of the crappy multi-grain explosion ones left at the end of the day, I’d be giving some thought to changing my product orders! Holy crap, has ANYONE ordered one of those stupid things today? The bin looks full for chrissakes!

No. I don’t want a scone. I hate those damn things, I’d rather have one of those raisin bagels. No... I don’t want one of those either, I was just trying to explain that I really didn’t want a scone. Yeah, I know you’re sorry. It’s not your fault. I guess I’ll just take my mocha and leave. Thanks anyhow.