Pussy.

I was once recently called a pussy. And by “once” I mean many, many times, and by “recently” I mean all throughout my life, from birth to now, at the ripe old age of forty-three. And every single one of those times, it was not meant as a compliment. Which… surprises (?) me… ?

Allow me to use this column to explain…

Every time someone has said to me, “D.J., you are, by far, the biggest pussy I have ever known,” or something to that effect, said someone invariably means that I am weak. A wimp. A softy. A pussy… wait, I shouldn’t use a word to describe itself… Still, you get the idea because you already know what “pussy” means in this context, and I’m wasting your time.

I don’t stick up for myself if I feel it’ll lead to conflict? I’m a pussy.

I don’t understand most competitive sports and find them boring? I’m a pussy.

I tear up and get a lump in my throat at the awkwardly melodramatic singing montage in Magnolia? I’m a pussy.

I need attention, love, and support from everyone I even casually know? I’m a pussy.

I’ve never shot a gun or punched someone in the face? I’m a pussy. (Okay… I’ll give you that one.)

Well, maybe I am a pussy by this wimpy meaning of the word, but why on earth would the word mean wimpy? I’m not sure if calling someone a pussy in this way comes from cats or female genitalia, but I don’t think either holds up to even the glibbest of scrutiny.

Dig this: Pussycats are badass. They don’t give a fuck about shit, will scratch your eyes out on a whim, and gladly deaficate in a box filled with glorified sand. How is that weak or wimpy? Dogs are bigger pussies than cats! Most dogs will fetch and roll over and beg and sit up and pant and whine to gain your affection and attention. Most so-called pussycats? You can keep your love and attention -- just feed ‘em, pet ‘em when THEY want you to and stay out of their way when they have other shit to do. How is that wimpy? How are cats pussies? Should be pussy dogs… but I’m getting off track here…

To be honest, I don’t think the insult usage of “pussy” comes from cats. Who does? That was a red herring. “D.J., if you don’t punch that dude who insulted your sassy pot belly in the face, you will hereby be decried in all the lands as a CAT!” Nope. That insult makes no sense. No sense! Obviously, when someone calls someone else a pussy, they mean “vagina.” “D.J., the fact that you won’t ask out that girl for fear of rejection or acceptance or lighthearted good times potential happiness or potential heartbreak or whatever it is you’re afraid of -- because I’ve stopped trying to figure it out at this point -- makes you a vagina! You’re a big, silly, sulky, awkward VAGINA!” Ah, that actually makes sense.

But! It shouldn’t! Because this insult seems to be based upon the idiotic notion that females and their parts are weak. I’m not kissing ass to female readers being that I have none, so don’t jump to that conclusion. I’m just being honest and trying to sort this out for the good of humanity, because to equate the womanly flower with weakness seems asinine to me!

Fact: Vaginas are awesome. So… if someone calls me a pussy, I should… take it as a compliment?

Fact: Vaginas are anything but wimpy. They were designed to pass a freaking baby! Can a penis do that? Hell’s no!

Fact: Vaginas are awesome. Wait… did I already… ? What?

What I’m getting at is that women are strong and powerful creatures, therefore, being referred to as a slang term for their genitalia seems to be the opposite of an insult to me. In fact, next time someone says to me, “You’re a pussy, D.J.! A PUSSY!” I will take it as a compliment and go about my business.

So, to recap, calling someone a pussy as an insult is stupid and mean. You’d have to be a dick to insultingly call someone a pussy.

Hold it! Hold it!

Be… a… … … dick… ? Dick = stupid and mean. Guys have dicks, and guys are -- … I think I have an idea for my next column!