You're on the bus. Or the train. Or waiting for one or the other. Doesn't matter. You could be chillin' at the airport or waiting for someone to show up at the local coffee shop of your choice. Or, God forbid, even just reading a book or magazine and/or listening to your portable music player for their own sakes. But the point is: you are sitting, you have something to read open in your lap or on the table in front of you, you have your headphones in your ears with a comforting buzzing sound coming out of them, and some asshole sits down next to you and tries to chat you up.

There are books that teach them how to do this. I've seen them. Conversation Openers for Assholes is a particularly popular title. It recommends to the asshole that he or she find something you are wearing -- clothing or jewelry, or perhaps a tattoo or a hairstyle -- to compliment and then ask you a question about it.

This is an exceptional burden for people who are attractive. In fact, one of the main reasons for keeping yourself attractive is so that other attractive people might come up to you and chat. Or perhaps you are already in a relationship with someone who is pleased by your appearance, and you wish to keep him/her/them happy. In any case, deliberately skipping showers and/or dressing like a bum and/or intentionally getting into a disfiguring accident is out of the question. At no point should you maim yourself, literally or socially, just to avoid assholes in public.

Having an open book or a pair of headphones stuck in your ears is tantamount to saying "I do not wish to have a conversation with random assholes right now." Doing both at once is tantamount to screaming "I DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH RANDOM ASSHOLES RIGHT NOW!" This should be sufficient, shouldn't it? In any case, anyone who is the sort to ignore this is not one with whom you ought to be having a conversation.

Some people just don't get it. Some people are just looking for that special someone who is too kind to object or too weak to stand up for his or her own personal space -- someone perfect with whom to have a lengthy, grueling, one-sided, and possibly sexual relationship. These people should be avoided or repulsed, preferably without giving a direct insult. An insult is actually an invitation to conversation, if you think about it, and a loud conversation at that.

However, you aren't powerless to repel invaders intent on pirating away your free time when you are forced to spend it in a public place. For every conversation opener, there is a conversation stopper. People actually trying to have a conversation have stumbled upon many conversation stoppers inadvertently. I'm sure you've discovered a few yourself.

As they are so handy to have in one's repertoire, I shall provide a short list.

Does this look infected to you? (An old classic.)

You are dishonoring my ancestors.

I was required by my tribal leaders to get this tattoo in atonement for having sex with an ox.

My ears stutter. I can understand you only if you sing.

You made me lose count of the quarter-notes. Now I have to start over!

I smell blood. Have you been in a fight or are you on your period... ?

Do you mind? I'm on a stakeout.

Your pheromones are unwelcome.

May I borrow a wrench? I need to tighten a sphincter.

I have only twelve minutes to live, and I'd really like to finish this chapter.

When you speak I'm reminded of the aborted fetus I found in my mailbox that one time.

Can you believe it? Harry Potter finally asked me to marry him!

What happens if you shine a light on Dark Matter?

I can feel the evil in this place.

These boots? I got them free with the legs I ordered off of eBay.

I'm listening to the sound of children crying. It calms me down and makes me feel more normal.

The book? Can you smell it? I found it floating in a toilet at Starbucks, but I
took it home and used my hairdryer on it until it was dry.

My earwax sure does taste funny today. Why could that be?

Have you ever had sex with a sumo wrestler? They're so HUGE. It's like you can only have sex with one part of them at a time!

Ever since the "piggy" incident I can only count to eighteen. Isn't that funny?

Don't you realize how hard it is to get blood out of cotton?

It's a lucky thing snot doesn't smell like anything. Otherwise we'd be smelling it all the time!

I need some help. How do you say "fuck off -- I don't want to talk to you" politely?

They never found my mom's right arm from the elbow down, but there were plenty of stray dogs in my neighborhood. Homeless people, too.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have to find my notebook and take notes for a class. How often would you say you chat up strangers?

Almost all of these have been field-tested. I'll leave it as an exercise for you to guess which of these I've actually heard innocently released into ordinary conversations in my hearing -- and which of those I may have innocently uttered with no forethought as to consequences.

Possibly that's enough inspiration for you to develop a few of your own. Never answer the question asked unless you can do so in a way that takes the conversation completely out of the realms of normal experience. Or, better, ignore the original question completely and ask one of your own -- that typically reveals a level of self-absorption that no one will find attractive. And if whoever is bugging you can keep up, you're probably about to have a worthy distraction from your book, magazine, or music.