I've always been distrustful of dogs. This began with an incident from my childhood in which a Doberman bit off a portion of my buttocks. I don't talk about it much, but the scar on my right cheek speaks volumes. And now I've uncovered evidence that proves that these animals are not only disloyal, but also dirty, stinking liars. It is my pleasure to now present it to you…

Maybe you have a Pekinese called Toodles or a brown and black beagle who goes by Mr. Wowwow. You feed him and house him and pick up after his feces with plastic gloves on, and for what? Some companionship? That's great. Are you happy with the current arrangement? What if I told you that Mr. Wowwow was smarter than he let on? What if he sat there with a stupid look, letting his tongue out when you’re around and lying and cheating and going through your things as soon as you left the house?

I've found out what dogs do when you're at work. I know what they're up to in your basement or den when you think they're just waiting around for you to come home. Do you want to know? I understand if you don't. This could change your whole world. You may tell Toodles to hit the road after this.

I discovered it while looking up the rules to a gambling game called Red Dog. At the time, I couldn't remember the name of it. I knew it was something “dog” and some type of poker, so I entered “poker” and “dog” into the search engine. What came up was a series of incriminating photos. Dogs of all breeds were playing poker. They were wearing visors, smoking cigars, and betting lots and lots of money. Now where do you think a dog would get all that cash? That's the thing. You know they aren't waiting tables. They're lifting it from you. After you let them into your home and welcome them into your family, they just toss your life savings into a pile and let a hand of cards determine what happens to it.
 
Ever wonder whose been dipping into your cigar stock or leaving cheese puff crumbs on our carpet? Sorry to be the one to deliver the hard truth to you, but that's my job. I expose the snakes of the world and encourage you to beat them with sticks. Problem is, this particular snake is your little Snufflekins or Colonel Waffles.
 
Are you at work right now? Then there’s probably a mess of hounds and shepherds gambling your money away. It stings me to see this happening almost as much as that dog’s teeth stung against my soft child butt. I’m not sure who took this photo, but we are in debt to him/her for providing the beginnings of this exposé. But why didn’t they spread the word about it? Perhaps some of these pooches got drunk and took these photos themselves. And if you take photos that put you in a bad light, they are bound to come out eventually. And today it is the dogs’ day.

What do you do now? Kick them out, that's what.

If they know how to play poker so well, let them do it for a living. Lock up your visors and cash and poker chips in case they try to sneak back in through the doggy door. Sit your pooches down on the porch and tell them, "If you had been honest, this wouldn't have happened." You could have played together, but instead they snuck around behind your back. They could still be getting treats and have stirring games of fetch. But because they are sniveling, backstabbing card sharks, they'll have to fend for themselves in the big, bad world. And don’t feel sorry for them.