Welcome, then, to the new “Cinema Eaters” (or “CE” for short)!

New, you ask? Well, this is the second incarnation of CE. The original lived somewhere else, and we might end up moving some of that content over, but we might not.

We, you ask? Well, you know one half of CE already. Me, APK. I write enough crap around here that you should recognize my name if only to say, "Awww shit, not him again." But CE is not just me. Oh no, it is also Robyn. Robyn will introduce herself shortly.

First lemme explain a bit about what CE is and what it will do. “Cinema Eaters” are the people who watch bad films so you don't have to. Much like, obviously, sin eaters of the past. Same difference, really. They had mortal sins; we have Uwe Boll.

So we will review movies. Many of them bad. Some B movies, A movies, C, D, and Not Brand Eech movies as well. If we can get our hands on it, we will review it. Which is not, mind you, to say that the reviews will be all bad. I've given great reviews to Frog-g-g-g! and Prison-a-go-go. God help you all. But we won't just review B movies. Keep that in mind. We will review whatever gets into our head to review. Suggestions are welcome, of course.

Now, the “Spoiler Warning” column will not be impacted by this. See, they review things in teams. Robyn and I both work solo. I'll review a movie and then she will. We'll trade. Sometimes we might write an essay about film, even, for the shit of it. You never know.

And now I'll shut up and let Robyn have her say.

Robyn?

***

What?

Oh. Hi.

Yeah, what the fuzzy bastard said. Plus this: I love a certain kind of bad movie. Give me something to laugh at, especially if the laffs were unintentional, and your movie will be my BFF. I've loved bad movies since long before Mystery Science Theatre 3000 (MST3K for short). In fact, I kinda prefer my bad movies without MST3K, as awesome as Mike/Joel and the 'bots are, because doing my own MST3K is more fun.

I love fuckwitted flicks filmed in someone's backyard for twelve cents. They often have far more personality than whatever's sucking all the oxygen out of your local multiplex. I actually dug Spider-Man 3, but I love to see those Japanese or Filipino rip offs of Spider-Man, where he fights some snot monster and has a pet squirrel and all sorts of WTF-ery. Sam Raimi used to do snot monsters, but these days he gets paid too much money.

I want snot monsters. I want lesbian werewolves teaming up with wrestling mummies to fight robot Nazis. You know what I'm saying?

Maybe not. But you will.