So I got a call the other day from a friend of mine. This fucker wants to borrow a movie, which is cool. Except he also wants me to come over to play some fucking video games with him.

Whatever. I can help a brother out and mash some damned buttons for an hour or two if needed. You know, I can totally fake it. I'll work a thumb up and down at furious speed and curse and jiggle the controller. Then my friend nods and smiles, because he always wins, and tosses me an ego bone every few rounds. It's all good. I don't mind.

I got to his place, it ain't far either, we're talking across the street here, and he handed me this little TV remote looking thing and smiled all big and proud-like. He tells me, "I got a Wii." Luckily I knew what it was so I didn't get too confused over his penis-purchase.

Well so we sat down, and then he told me I had to stand up.

"No, you have to stand while you play these video games," he explained, "because you'll have to swing your arms a lot. See, the controller senses motion and all, so you have to be active."

I raised an eyebrow and all, but otherwise I kept quiet. He started up the thing, and there was a series of big warnings that flashed along his TV. Don't let the controller go, wear a wrist strap, don't stand near anyone, watch where you move... What the hell? This thing needed an acre of land to be played properly. So he decides we're gonna play tennis.

I hate tennis. Stupid game full of running and hitting a damned ball back and forth and back and forth. So we start it up and whatever. You hit a button and then swing your arm to hit the ball.

That's it.

So stupid even I can win at it.

But then you take a look at yourself, mentally. And you realize you look like a total asshole, standing there, wind milling your arms and playing tennis in a space that’s too small to be doing such things when, if you can afford a Wii, you can rent some time on a real tennis court.

Don't get me started on golf or bowling. Why would I want to play fake golf or bowling when I refuse to play the real ones? Who does that? "Well," they think, "I'd look like too much of a dick wearing golf pants, so instead I'll play fake golf, call myself a hardcore gamer, and at least get nerd cred."

Come on!

So yeah I laughed. A lot. And put the little controller thing down. I don't want motion sensing video games. Do you know how hard it is to smoke and drink without moving the controller? It's pretty much impossible. So what, I'm not allowed to do anything else while playing? I can't scratch my ass? I have to sit still and just play? What kind of Japanese Game Nazi thought that rule up?

The whole thing just makes me mad. Not in a "when I was a kid video games used to be pure" kinda of way, because they weren't. They sucked, but we loved them anyway. We still knew they sucked.

No, it makes me mad because there is this total sell-out of the units. Like Nintendo, who makes the Wii (The WHEEEEEEEE?) is trying to prove that everyone else has one so why don't Wii? Peer pressure to get behind a system of invisible pulleys and levers that make it even harder to play a relaxing video game and make you truly realize how lame video games are.

Way to go, guys. Of course, my friend was crushed by this news. He thought the whole system was cool. Hell, he told me he had bought Super Monkey Balls for his Wii.

Read that sentence and manage not to laugh. Go on.

Jesus.