Some things just don't go well together: oil and water, toothpaste and orange juice, gas stations and bonfires. And now I am a living example of a dire combination: Vegas, alcohol, and a tattoo parlor. You can see where this is going, I'm sure.

I didn't, though -- being blasted on some Wild Turkey and tequila and stumbling into the first tattoo shop I could find. I had just won a big bankroll after an unbelievable string of blackjacks. The dealer was this skinny Korean lady in her fifties. She was beating my ass at first, taking me down to my last fifty bucks. By that time I was more than tipsy, leaning on the table for support and hornier than a three-balled tomcat. (I guess you didn't need to know the last bit.) So I said, “What the heck?” and bet what should have been my food budget. Luckily, I got blackjack. And I kept getting them until that lady's face was riddled with shock, and my chips piled high above my head.

I cashed in my chips and slapped my wad of cash on the tattoo guy's table. I spouted a list of things I wanted inked on me. He obliged. I remembered none of it and had to slowly discovered his various pieces of art.

The next day back at my hotel, I ordered an escort. Natalia was her name. She walked into my hotel room wearing an army-green trench coat.

"Well, well… aren't you hot?" I asked.

"You better believe it," she said, throwing off the coat and revealing the black and pink frilly stuff stretched tight over her body. We chatted a bit before she started taking off my shirt. When she saw my chest, she gasped. For a second I thought she was noticing my recently worked on pectoral muscles. She was not.

"What the hell is this?" she screamed.

She was pointing to a tattoo in the center of my chest. It was my ex's face being pooped on by Quick Draw McGraw and Huckleberry Hound. Funny, but in poor taste. Plus seeing poop trickle down the side of another woman's face isn't the best aphrodisiac (for most ladies, anyway).

Natalia caught my surprised look and started laughing. She noted that a lot of guys got drunk and got stupid tattoos. Then she noted that I had "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker" inked across my stomach.

"I've never seen that one," she said.

She started giggling uncontrollably, but continued to touch up on me. When I said I was surprised that she was still in the mood after seeing Hanna-Barbara characters take simultaneous shits, she told me that it was her job to stay in the mood.

I decided to turn off the lights, in case they were any other tattooed surprises. There'd be plenty of time to discover them, though I had no idea that the discovery process would last so long. After Natalia left and I went to take a whiz, I saw that the words "Big Time" were etched on my crotch. In the ensuing shower, I caught sight of my right elbow. There was a spider web a la Method Man, but mine had the words, "some pig" in the center. Also, a croissant is tatted on my left calf. And it took me two weeks to discover the last one… While I was mooning my district representative, folks started pointing and laughing. That was because Bill Murray's face had been inked onto my butt. Embarrassing. For both of us.

I am in the process of getting every single one of these mistakes burned off with a high-powered laser. And how am I paying for all of this? A series of lawsuits, folks, that's how. First I am going to sue the Wild Turkey company. Their product impairs judgment and blurs memory. And that's legal? Are you kidding me? Prepare to go down. What if someone were to drink some of the stuff and get behind the wheel of a car? Can you imagine?

And then I am suing the tattoo shop that inked up a heavily intoxicated individual (me). That is just not right. I was too wasted to be able to properly calculate his tip. Probably gave way too much. And not to mention, some of the work was a bit shoddy. Bill Murray's face looks like he's constipated. And finally, Vegas is going to have to pay me once again. I'm suing the entire city for putting alcohol, tattoo needles, and large amounts of sudden cash so close together. That is a dangerous combo.