Oh, readers, my dear, sweet readers… prepare your ears for something so shocking that you may never be the same. Sorry, I don't actually know how to prepare one's ears for that kind of thing. Perhaps a washcloth dipped in warm water gently rubbed in the ear canal. Check WebMD.com or something. Regardless, the truth is coming at you hard. I am going to expose a dark, secret code rappers are using to hide their true intentions. You may be dancing to these songs, bopping your head, even singing along, but do you know what these songs are really saying?

Rick Ross says, "Everyday I'm Hustlin’" and is certainly not talking about the kind of hustling that your coach wants you to do. The group Clipse lets us know that they are "shoveling snow," so you may think of calling them up and hiring them to clear your driveway. I hate to inform you, but they aren't talking about that kind of snow. Lil' Wayne says, "It ain’t my birthday, but I got my name on that cake." Kind of pushy, huh? The rocks these rappers talk about aren't the kind you put in a slingshot, and when they refer to "that Bolivian," I assure you it isn't coffee. “Yayo” is the funky new version of the yo-yo, right? Wrong! You assume “pushing weight” is putting some barbells in a little red wagon and pushing it around town? Sorry, incorrect.

So what the heck are they talking about then? Cocaine. Yep. Hidden in the disguise of code words these fellas are discussing buying, selling, and snorting that stuff your daddy warned you about. Let me be your guide as we expose The Cocaine Code. Hopefully this doesn't turn out like The Da Vinci Code; I don't want anybody dying, getting shot at, or whipping themselves. But if Audrey Tautou showed up, I would not turn her away. (Schwing!) Code, get ready to get all broke up!

Keys: Have you heard your favorite rap artist talk about moving keys? Sure you have. But these aren't regular keys. This is a special kind of key that drug dealers wear around their necks to open their safes.

Pushing Weight: Doing coke can make you lose weight. And after you buy a bunch of clothes that fit just right, the last thing you want to do is go down a few sizes. So the smart drug dealers mix protein powder with their cocaine to combat the weight loss. When they are pushing their wares on you, often they are pushing coke and “weight” as well.

Yayo: Yayo sounds like a fun toy, I know. But it is just the last name of a guy named Tony who a lot of people get their coke from.

Hustlin': To cheat, swindle. Drug dealers aren’t always honest.

Cake: After a long day, coke dealers need some nourishment. They usually "cook up" a special cake with lots of protein and B-vitamins.

Rocks: When selling large amounts of cocaine, one will often throw in some extra items, like dollar bills to snort it up with or a free bag of rock candy. Apparently the sweet of the candy mixed with the acidy taste of the coke is incredible.

Bolivian: Often referred to as “that Bolivian” or “straight from Bolivia,” this is in reference to a rare type of fish called the Ramsey Ono Microgeophagus. It is native to Bolivia, extremely rare, and costs about $500,000 each. Rappers often show how filthy rich they are by buying a few of these babies and cooking them up with onions and tomatoes.

Blow: The drug game is a stressful one. You could get shot at any moment. People might steal your goods. The coppers are always trying to get you. So sometimes in the middle of your coke dealing and "hustlin’," you might have to let out a big sigh or a "blow."

Snow: After doing a bunch of coke, you start seeing weird little things in your eyes. They kind of look like snowflakes. Hence, snow. So if you were to "shovel snow," it would just be a metaphor for knocking the sense back into yourself so you won't see these things anymore and can go on about your day.

I should probably go into hiding for a while, having exposed these secrets. But the truth had to be told. These rappers are going to be angry, though, because they may all get arrested now that the authorities know. And people aren’t going to be buying their records anymore either. Who wants to hear about the immoral journey of a coke dealer? Me, I'm refusing to listen to this stuff anymore. If you need me, I'll be watching Scarface in a hotel in Jakarta -- I mean some secret place that I haven’t told you.