I have no idea when you'll see this. I'm so far past deadline it isn't funny. That's rare. Normally I can hit a deadline even if I can't stand up off this stool. But sometimes shit happens, all right?

So DGrove will get this, and he'll either use it instantly or push it back a few weeks. If there’s an update without a “Just The Right Bullets,” he pushed it back. Now you know. And I feel like a dick putting him there.

I mean, think of it: now the four of you who read my column will be all "Wow -- DGrove is a dick for pushing it back," or you'll think he's a soft-touch for letting me slide this late. Either way, he loses.

Lemme pull back the curtain and tell you what it's like here some days.

You guys know I don't work at the footnote Headquarters (TFNHQ). I work out of New York City, out of a bar, uptown. Still, there are months they fly me out to work from the main offices, and those are the times I really learn to hate this place.

I just got back from one of those trips, can ya’ fucking tell? All right, lemme get a fresh drink, and I'll explain.

***

So Laszlo was there this time, and of course DGrove and The Kirk were there -- they fucking make it a point to be there. Leigh was around, too, but she's a sweetheart. She only tasered me once this time. It isn't like I deserved it for once, either. No, this was "product testing."

I thought maybe we were gonna start doing product reviews or something, so I didn't want to ruin a whole column. It turns out the only thing being written about a taser is right here. No, the "product testing" was for Leigh's night job as a bouncer at the Luchador joint down the block from TFNHQ.

Yeah. A buncha artists, I tell you. Laszlo, I mentioned he was there, right? Well, shit. I love Laszlo, don't get me wrong, but it's like hanging out the Nutty Goddamned Professor sometimes. He spent the whole time wearing a welding mask and asking if I had any cheese for his anti-gravity experiment. He wanted to, somehow, prove that the level of fame in any given person on Earth can be measured by the anti-gravitons in a slice of Kraft cheese.

I'm sure he'll do a column on it.

The Kirk was running around in his Superman Underoos again, while quoting Umberto Eco. That man ain't right. Just the other day he called me up, in fact, and asked me if I thought that Jimmy Olsen was well hung. As if it was a question I could answer (well, I mean, it was, and he is, but that's not the point). Then he grabbed up his fucking guitar and ran out of the office to catch a flight. Maui. "Recruitment drive" as he calls them.

What that man recruits ain't legal.

DGrove was a good egg this time. Sure he made me dress up as Princess Leia and participate in the semi-annual live-action Star Wars Action figure frolic he puts on, but you grow to expect it.

Christ, and you people wonder why I end up in the bar so often? You'd love it if I was making this up, wouldn't you? If this sort of thing didn't happen and all the denials were true? That'd make you happy, right?

I can't tell you that kind of lie.

One day, there'll be pictures.

Until then? I'm sending this fucking thing in late, and we'll see what happens.