Okay, so Miss Biscuit is in solitary confinement here in Heck for the next forty-five minutes or so working off a few past romance-related peccadilloes. (I'm a big fan of Central America's nine-banded peccadillo, a species currently working its way northward into Texas and New Mexico despite the Department of Homeland Security's best efforts.) In the meanwhile, as her warden, I'm authorized to open her mail to make sure it's not a file with a cake in it or something. Let's see what we have here....

I see. Hmm. One small edit first...

Dear Miss Biscuit Rev. Xalieri,

I've just had four boyfriends in a row ditch me for one of my girlfriends or female coworkers! I can't stand it anymore! I've tried everything! What can I do to keep my man in my bed? What am I doing wrong? Are there any techniques I can use to keep them hooked?

-- Alone Again in Abilene

Wow. An easy one. No need to disturb Miss Biscuit's contemplation....

Alright, Alone Again, I can help. Say you've found a man in your bed. How do you keep him there, you ask? I have a sure-fire answer -- assuming your problem isn't something mechanical, like a hidden man-launcher beneath your mattress installed by some prankster or other.

Many popular women's magazines try to make their readers think that a woman is less of a woman if she can't keep the man of her choice in her bed for as long as she desires. Frankly, I agree. Ladies everywhere, if there is a man in your bed, it should be completely up to you how long he stays there.

First, make sure the man is someone you've invited to be there. If not, it may be a good idea to call the police and have them pick him up. In many states you can make matters quite a bit less complicated by shooting him a couple of times first. Check your local and state laws beforehand and make sure you are up on handgun safety and operation.

Now then. On the off-chance you feel like keeping him in your bed instead of getting rid of him and going to sleep, here are a few techniques that I, as a man, personally guarantee:

1) Settle yourself into a comfortable chair and simply keep the gun trained on him. This alone will keep most men from leaving your bed. If you want him to seem happy to be there, tell him to smile. This nearly always works.

2) If you think you'll find this position tiring after too long, invite a friend over and ask him or her to bring some rope or duct tape, any handy plastic sheeting (an old shower curtain, perhaps) to speed eventual clean-up, and possibly some drinks and/or snacks.

3) If you have the room to entertain and your space is well enough maintained to throw a party, feel free to invite more people. Many women feel that having a man in one's bed is cause for spontaneous celebration. Why should you be different? Besides, the noise of the party should drown out (or mix well with) any noises that would come from your bedroom.

4) Counter to what you might think, men hardly ever wish to leave a place of relative comfort in an unclothed state, especially if sober. Simply pitch his clothes out the window. Or, if you have decided to go for the party option, auction off his clothing to your guests to cover entertaining expenses, or, if you are feeling more festive and generous, give them away piecemeal as door prizes.

5) You could even have sex with him if you feel like it. Don't feel obligated, however, even though he has gone to such lengths to entertain you. If there has ever been any circumstance when you can enforce "No Means No," this would be it.

6) If there is a television in your room, preferably equipped with cable or satellite channels, turn it on, making sure he can see the television from the bed. Avoid sports programming or home shopping channels, as either of these can induce involuntary shouting. The Food Network is probably the best choice to keep him content and silent, although PBS cooking shows will also work if you have no cable access. I have no idea why, even though I am a man writing this.

At this point you can safely abandon him and concentrate on your other guests or other plans for the day.

As time wears on, the charm of having a man in your bed completely under your control may start to wear thin. Be aware that entertaining a long-term guest entails an increase in ordinary household maintenance -- such as laundry, maintaining the extra stock of consumables and, eventually, replacing worn and grubby bedding and furniture.

A good guest will know when he is being burdensome and it is time to leave.

If he needs an extra hint, switch off the television. If he needs an extra extra hint, turn the volume of the television way up, tape down more plastic sheeting around the bed and put on clothes you wouldn't mind discarding afterwards.

At this point he will quickly volunteer to leave.

He may even come back.