So, my visits to the old home state Ohio have been few and far between since moving across the country to California -- Hell A specifically. Each trip is a bit of a whirlwind as my friends live in the center (Columbus), my mom and family live in the south (Waverly, don’t worry if you’ve never heard of it), and my grandparents are up north (near Cleveland). This causes each trip to involve a lot of ride hitching from generous loved ones in a rush to see everyone I want to see. It’s mostly chaotic running around where I miss seeing or don’t get enough time with at least a someone to as many as a few someones.
My last trip was right after this past Christmas (because everyone in my department at work had had the foresight not to let Christmas creep up on them and requested time off accordingly as far back as last summer, making it necessary for me to be there right before and right after the holiday, as well as the fact that the plane ticket was about $250 less just three days after the holiday -- scroogy airlines). I took the red eye, leaving LA around 11PM and landing in Columbus at 6:30AM. My brother from another mother (and father), Taddly J. Pantalones, was waiting for me at the baggage area. It was good to see this burly man I’d befriended some eighteen years ago waiting for me as came down the escalator. Being that it was early morning, breakfast was in order, and he is a fan of a buffet near the airport.
And that’s when the eating started.
Buffets are the devil. I used to love them when I was younger, thinking I’d teach any restaurant a lesson by eating WAY way WAY way WAY more than what they charged me for the buffet. Way more. Lessons would be learned, and I’d get an overfull belly at a bargain basement price.
My thoughts on buffets have changed in the time since, as at some point I started getting tummy aches after gorging myself, not to mention my always shaky metabolism deciding, over the years, that instead of burning off the nonsense that I eat, it’d change more and more of it into man titties. Still, the place was close, and I was hungry.
The eating didn’t stop there. Burgers, burritos, so many fatty, salty, cheesy, tasty things. Before going to Ohio, I’d been trying to eat less and, when convenient, healthier. As soon as I landed, though? Fatfest 2006/2007.
It was fun, though. Not just because of the ridiculous amounts of food I consumed, but also seeing the aforementioned Tadd, my other bestest pal, Nathan Burkittoni Ravioli, and Tadd’s family (his wife/my friend Rachel, and their far too cute kids Sheriff Slatherbean and Deputy Jangletoes).
The next night, Tadd, Rachel, Nate, and I did some barhopping in a great section of Columbus called the Short North. Of course, it all started with a deliciously fatty and fried dinner with heavy amounts of beer to wash it all down at this bar/restaurant I miss called Barley’s. I’m no fan of sauerkraut, but for some reason, in cheesy breaded ball form (christened sauerkraut balls), it’s my best friend. Add some chicken wings, quesadillas, and lots of beer to that, and, well, my taste buds were happy, but my stomach and cholesterol level weren’t.
After stopping at several bars, drinking various beers (including a raspberry flavored one Tadd chided Nate and me for enjoying) and maybe a few shots of various liquors, the night ended with some unnecessary yet tasty pizza at Nate’s place. I’m not sure exactly what caused this, but it was there that I ended up laughing for what felt like two hours straight, falling out of my chair and whatnot. It was an awesome, boozy time. Oh yeah, and then that morning I had a big waffle breakfast with my great, stalwart pal DGrove (yes, the footnote guru himself) and his swell wife, Alyssa. Oh… so much food. And conversation. And food. Glorious food.
New Year’s Eve was spent there at a hockey game and some bars ending in an ill-advised visit to White Castle (their steamed burgers are called “sliders,” and I think that’s all that needs to be said), then it was off to Waverly for a more subdued time with the fam. My mom was able to take the week off, so we hung out a lot. I caught up on my soaps and had some quality time. Oh, yeah, and I continued to eat lot. We visited my grandparents and other family members I unfortunately barely know up north, all the while continuing to gorge at yet another dreaded buffet.
All in all, though being in Ohio somehow makes me uncomfortable in a totally different way than Hell A does, it was a good trip. Now, though I didn’t make any New Year’s resolutions, I must resolve to stop eating twice my body weight in meat, bread, and cheese everyday while drinking enough beer to kill a moose. (I’m not sure of the exact amount of beer it takes to kill a moose, but it’s a lot, and I exceeded it at least twice whilst in Ohio.)
