Hope your year’s been better than mine, fat man. Sincerely. But enough with the pleasantries -- here’s the for real deal: While I’ve given up on God, Colonel Sanders, and all of your other buddies, I still believe in YOU, tons of fun. Why? Because I like getting shit on Christmas. It’s that simple. Others can lie all they want about family and love and brotherhood and whatever else they want to shovel down their silly throats, but you and I BOTH know what this little holiday is all about: PRESENTS.

You’ve been watching my naughty / nice levels like a hawk, so you know I’m entitled to some goods. Let’s cut the jibba jabba and get to it…

1. A PS4. You’ve likely gotten tons of easily please zeroes asking you for the latest Play Station, the 3rd, and I’m sure you’re scrambling to get your elfin slaves working double time with so many requests. That’s all well and good, but I don’t want the PS3. I want the PS-QUATRO. Por que? No gaming system has struck my fancy since the original Nintendo, as you’re well aware. But I figure that if the PS3 is so damned impressive and magical that the PS4 would likely blow even my not easily blown mind. I’m picturing a gaming system that looks like two eyeballs. The player pokes his (I would say “or her,” but, c’mon…) eyeballs out, and pops the PS4 balls in the newly empty sockets. Then its 24/7 gaming adventures! A trip to the supermarket becomes some road rage game where you’re flying off ramps and down stairs and crashing through fruit carts and mauling anyone who gets in your way. Once at the store, looking for the liquor aisle becomes a fantastical journey as you’re a wizard, conjuring spells and frying demons with your power staff. Oh, yes. The PS4 is numero UNO on my list.

2. A golden lab… WAIT! A golden lab that ALWAYS stays in puppy form. Yeah, dogs are great companions to take the place of a lover or child (but not a lover child -- that ain’t right), but puppies are so much damned cuter. With all the wondrous wonders I just know you’ve been concocting up in your North Pole compound fortress, surely you know how to make this non-growing puppy dog happen. Maybe you already have. Regardless, I wants me one. Make it already potty trained, too, or, BETTER YET, make it not have to shit or piss. Damn, maybe this should’ve been my number one. I’ll name her “Burrito.” (Yeah, I want a female one, because the dude dogs make me uncomfortable, what with all their junk hanging out and junk.)

3. Ninjatic prowess. You saw this one coming, didn’t you, thunder thighs? I’ve been flirting around with learning the ways of the ninja myself since third grade, but, well, I never got around to it. Busy. Okay… lazy. But now I have this number three slot open on my wish list, and what the hell, you know? I don’t care if it’s in pill form or something I have to inject or drink or whatever -- I want to be a ninja.

4. A regular slot in the ensemble cast of a hit television program. You must give these to hundreds of people every year, right? Well, make room in your big ol’ red velvet bag for one more, Claus. I’d prefer it be network, and, obviously, I’d like to be the most popular character, but I’ll settle for anything. Sure, I could try for this myself, but, fuck, who knows if that’ll happen? Oh, right, I do. It won’t. So I need you, lunchbox. I need you to get me some television stardom toot sweet. Why? Money (i.e., POWER) and women, not always in that order. (I kid; it’s always in that order -- don’t tell me you think Mrs. Claus fell in love with you for your “personality.”) The hypnotic abilities bestowed upon one from appearing on TV holds sway over all, especially the aforementioned women folk. I want those powers because dating’s a pain in the ass, and I’m not very interested in it, so let’s just cut to the proverbial chase, right? Right. So, yeah, what, ABC? NBC? Er… CBS? Just don’t pull any CW shit. Well… I guess it depends on how good I’ve been. You decide the network and the show, just give me that STAR POWER!!!

5. World peace. Oh snap, right? I finally called you on it, Satan Claus. Didn’t think anyone would go there, but guess who did? Me, that’s who. You can make toys and footballs and fucking roller skates for the other plebeians; I want WORLD PEACE! Use your mittened hands to pull out some world peace from your magic sack and lay it on me, big dog. This is hella selfless, too, right? Pretty generous, me using a Christmas wish for the betterment of the entire PLANET. Hm, maybe this should give me six wishes instead of our agreed upon five for next year, eh?

And there you have it, tubs. My five Xmas wishes for the year, all in a neatly typed list for you. You’ve kept tabs on me, you know I’m firmly in the “nice” category (despite a few… indiscretions, which I don’t think are enough to knock me over to “naughty”), and you know you gotta pay up. Pay up, Claus. It’s the only time of the year you even have to work, so don’t blow it!

Best,
d.j.

p.s. -- Balls. I forgot to ask for a pony again! Can you try to squeeze one in this year? Maybe give me that sixth wish now for my altruistic world peace # 5 wish? Then we can just call it square for next year and stick with cinco. I think that’s fair. Let me know…