Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for tacky decorations, inedible culinary ventures, awkward office parties and family blowouts. That’s right kids, it’s Christmas.

If you’re anything like me, then the only thing you look forward to during all this madness is free booze and a present that doesn’t totally suck.

Over the last few years, I’ve learned a few tricks that make this season go by a little more pleasantly. These tips are geared toward the gals out there, but I’m sure some of you guys can pick up a few things, too. By sharing them with you, I’m fulfilling my one selfless act for the year, and I can go back to Bah Humbugging with the best of them.

So without further ado, here is Miss Biscuit’s Holiday Survival Guide:

1. At your annual office party, inspect all doorways for mistletoe before passing under them. That creepy guy from the sixth floor is totally going to stake them out for a chance smooching, and once he catches you you’ll have to oblige out of something people like to call “Holiday Spirit”. Holiday Spirit is really just another word for Sympathy Kissing.

2. Another office party tip: Drinking is fun and I approve of it wholeheartedly, but try not to become That Girl Who Took Her Shirt Off In Front Of The Boss. Everything in moderation, my dear.

3. If you’re single, avoid movie theatres for the entire month of December. Everything that comes out during the holidays is designed to make you want to cry or make babies. Also, avoid shopping malls, television commercials about diamonds, ice skating rinks, and leaving the house in general. They will only make you feel like Bridget Jones, but without Colin Firth and Hugh Grant fighting over you.

4. If you do, in fact, have Colin Firth and Hugh Grant (or equally attractive menfolk) fighting over you, ignore tip number three.

5. If you’re part of a couple, drop huge and serious hints about what you really want for Christmas. Don’t try to be polite and say, “Oh, I’m sure whatever you get me will be fine, Sweetie-Honey-Schnookums-Pie,” otherwise you will end up with another pair of thermal socks instead of an iPod. Trust me. I’m wearing my thermal socks right now.

6. Speaking of thermal socks… I’d like to share a magic word with you: Re-gifting. Some people think it’s tasteless, but that’s only when it’s done incorrectly. If you get something you know you’ll never wear/use/look at again, then it is absolutely fine to give it to someone who can use it. Just be sure that the person who originally gave you the mittens/can opener/ kitten-shaped pot holder will never have any contact with the person you decide to re-gift to.

7. This is by far the most important of my holiday survival tips. Before the big family gathering, stuff your stocking, your suitcase, and your coat pocket with bourbon. Go with something nice, like Basil Hayden’s, because it’s the only way you’re going to survive Aunt Edna’s 15th annual one-woman production of A Christmas Carol in the living room.

I’ll lay down my Scrooge hat for a moment to wish you all a safe and happy holiday season. May you get through your family obligations unscathed and hangover free.

And save me some of that bourbon.