When I reveal these truths, brave readers, your very lives may change. If your heart is faint and you prefer the blissful seesaws of Ignorance Park, then stop reading now. What I have found is the shocking and sick truth about black helicopters.

Let’s say you’re enjoying a Mike’s Hard Lemonade™ outside on your porch, and a black helicopter flies by. You say to yourself, “There goes another innocent flying machine that happens to be black.” Well, you’re wrong! I have been informed that they are actually diabolical players in a worldwide conspiracy.

They start out as seed crystals, like larva that may develop in a cow’s body or even a human’s innermost organs. Eventually the crystal matures and tears through the hosts’ skin without first considering how this will make them feel. Then they grow into adult black helicopters, which are trained and used by the forces that control our government. These are the vehicles they will use to round us all up; all of us defiant, brainy, and will-having creatures into concentration camps. They’ll be dropping bombs on us, man and we won’t see it coming!

“Whoa! Whoa!” you say. How do I expect you to believe all of this? Well dear readers, I read it all on the Internet! Here, folks from all over reveal horror stories about being harassed by this demon choppers. You wouldn't believe the insanity of it all! You may be taking a stroll and then hear the beasts right behind you, but if you are lucky enough to be wearing a beanie, they may not see you. So if it is sweltering outside, pull on a black ski cap for your protection, please. The sun can be dangerous, but it can’t fly around your house and take pictures and send them back to the underground forces that control our government.

"Who are these forces," you say? The Literati of course -- who are in cahoots with the New World Order. This was news to me; I had no idea that Hollywood Hogan and Kevin Nash were into politics in addition to wrestling. Regardless, these heartless and faceless men have and want to maintain absolute control over our lives. These black helicopters are the enforcers to make sure that this continues to happen. If you resist them, even in the corners of your mind, you may get a visit from these monsters. If a black helicopter confronts you, the best defense is a self-affixed hypnotic glare and the aforementioned wearing of a beanie. If this doesn’t work, take blurry pictures with your camera phone and put them on the Internet. This way people will see it and easily conclude that this wasn’t a regular everyday flying vehicle, it was a bionic creature of an evil government organization.

You are no doubt saying to yourself, “Sure I’m mad, but what can I do about it?” First of all get yourself a flyswatter. These monstrosities are most vulnerable when they are but little baby monstrosities -- when they first hatch out of your skin or out of a dead cow’s squishy brain and are flying about. At this point, the micro black helicopters are ripe for a swatting! So pay attention and be strong with your forearm. You could help save freedom and justice. If the black helicopters escape the smacking and get to full-grown size, things get a little more complicated. They aren’t the cool choppers you saw on Airwolf; these are indestructible tools of the devil. At this point, you can only hide and cower from them until the end of their lifespan comes. What we really need to do is get the word out. If this secret is blown open and splatters all over the face of America, we may still have a chance. If the media is talking about it, if politician puppets have to acknowledge what is going on, things are bound to change. So before you get blown up by one of these suckers, before we all get lead to some secret concentration camp in New Mexico, stick your head out of the window and scream the following words:

“I am not afraid of you covert, semi-organic black helicopters! I have a camera and a beanie and a big, freedom-powered mouth. This is our country, and you better get your propeller butt out of it!”

Together we can fight this thing. Copy this article, make a t-shirt out of it, get it tattooed on your face --whatever it takes to get the message out!