|  Let me start out this entry by saying two things: One, never trust a dwarf in Batman, Turkey who says he’ll let you stay with him in exchange for “household services”; and two, yes, there is a city named "Batman" in Turkey.
I stumbled into Batman after jumping from a railway train while fleeing Istanbul. My pet turtle, Megadeath, picked a fight with an Angora cat who unfortunately happened to be owned by a Turkish mob boss with murder in his heart. After a large brawl in a local market, I managed to escape onto a coal train that happened to pulling by. I rode the rails for nearly two days, befriending a hobo named Amashi along the way. We ate beans from tin cans and tried to communicate as best we could. The only four words of English that he knew were “cake,” “button,” and “Jay Leno”; four words that we didn’t have much use for during our two days of being roommates.
Once I felt that I was far enough away from Istanbul and its murderous citizen, I bid farewell to my hobo friend, threw Megadeath into my pack, and jumped from the train. After making sure that I hadn’t crushed Megadeath by rolling over my pack tumbling from the train, I dusted myself off and began walking down the dirt road that ran alongside the tracks. About a mile into my walk a small car pulled up next to me and honked its horn. I walked over and saw a tiny man with wooden blocks tied to his feet smiling back at me.
“Hi,” I said, leaning into the car window. “D’you speak English?”
There was a vacant space where his top right canine tooth should have been, and his left eye was lazy as a dog on a hot summer’s day.
“Um, yes. I talk English. You need ride?” His small size gave him an innocence that made me trust him and get in; that and the fact I knew that I could easily take him down if he tried anything at all. A broken conversation later, I learned his name was Fanti, and it was decided that I could stay with him in exchange for “service of house.” I had no problem with a little cleaning or cooking, so I agreed.
When we arrived, the smell of curry was abundant throughout Fanti’s home. Dirty pots and pans with forks and spoons resting in them were scattered around the living room, and the radio was blasting a horrible Kenny G tune. Fanti rushed over to the radio and turned down the music, then motioned for me to follow him down the hall. Dozens of picture frames covered the walls on both sides, filled with signed headshots of American actors.
“You’ve met all of these people?” I said as I pointed to a photo of a grinning Bob Barker.
“Yes, I love American stars. They give me happy,” he said with pride. “I just got this one,” he said and pointed at a photo of Weird Al Yankovic. “It’s my favorite.”
What the hell was Weird Al doing in Batman, Turkey? I wondered to myself and continued following Fanti down the hall. At the end of the hall we came upon a small room with walls painted bright green. A twin mattress lay on the floor with blankets and a pillow piled on top of it. I wondered who had been sleeping there before and what types of skin rashes or lice they might have had.
“This where you sleep. Here the bathroom is,” Fanti pointed across the hall to a toilet in a closet. No sink or shower, just a toilet in a coat closet with a curtain for a door.
“Thank you. Um, do you happen to have a bowl I could put some water in?” I reached into my pack and pulled out Megadeath, who I’m sure was parched.
The enormous scream that came from such a tiny man was astounding. Fanti ran across the hall and hid behind the bathroom curtain. Apparently when he was six years old (which for a dwarf looks more like three years old) he was attacked by a snapping turtle while on a field trip to the zoo. I calmed him down and showed him that Megadeath was friendly by letting the turtle crawl around on my stomach the way loves to.
Later that night, Fanti cooked us a mean goulash, and we listened to a record of Turkish rock n’ roll as we ate.
“So, what types of chores would you like me to take care of in exchange for my staying here? I can definitely clean up that living room and do up those dishes. Get 'em good and clean.”
Fanti grinned and slurped at his goulash.
“No, no, no. I don’t need cleaning. You do other things for me. Things I cannot get any women to do for me, because my size is so small.”
“Ummmm, I don’t...” I was in denial, hoping that what I thought he meant wasn't what he actually meant. “Are you wanting me to, um…just what are you wanting me to do?” I put my spoon down and stopped eating my goulash for fear that I had been ingesting some sort of roofie.
“No women in my country like a man my size. They all laugh and point. They think I’m baby. They don’t know I’m real man.” He hopped off of his chair and walked over to me. My stomach dropped as he unzipped his tiny jeans and then THUD! It hit the floor.
“This is what they miss. But you… you will have me.” I stood so quickly that my chair flew back to the floor.
“Fanti, uh, I think we had a misunderstanding,” I said as I slowly walked backwards towards the couch. He followed me; his eyes had a creepy stare as though they were seconds away from rolling into the back of his head.
“Stay back, you! Stay back!” The back of my leg felt the couch, and I looked behind me to see Megadeath crawling around on it. I moved like lightning, grabbing Megadeath and then holding him out in front of me like a ninja’s blade. Fanti shrieked and fell backwards, his leg’s-length shlong dangling to the ground. I still threatened Fanti with Megadeath while I grabbed my pack with my other hand.
“Listen, Fanti, thanks for the goulash and the offer to stay, but I, uh, I gotta get outta here. Good luck with your search for a women who’ll please you. It’s just not me. I’m sorry.”
He began to cry, and I felt sympathy for this pathetic little thing lying on the ground. I walked over to him and kneeled down when suddenly he stopped crying and began humping the air with an evil, drooling grin on his face.
I threw Megadeath in my pack and ran out the door. I found an abandoned jeep that I used to get the hell outta dodge… I mean Batman.
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