| Forget everything you think you know about oil dependency. Okay, I’m not suggesting that we as a nation haven’t been dependent on oil -- being a culture shaped by reruns of The Beverly Hillbillies, it’s only fair to acknowledge that black gold is nearly running through our veins. But it’s not the potential for an oil crisis that keeps me up at night. It’s coffee.
Well, sometimes literally, yes… but that’s not what I meant.
If anything ever happened to our nation’s coffee supply, things could get really ugly really fast. How so? Well, a survey completed by The National Coffee Association in the year 2000 showed that 54% of adults in the U.S. drink coffee on a daily basis. (Not bullshit! I looked it up.) And that’s not even including the kids that we’ve since raised on our coffee-shop culture! So you tell me what would happen when over half the nation suddenly goes into caffeine withdrawal -- you can always walk or bike to work, regardless of oil shortage, but not when you’re dealing with faux-narcolepsy. And sure, after a week or so, everyone’s attitudes would probably return to something resembling normalcy, but I don’t think that we’d make it through that week.
Coffee dependency has turned java drinkers into walking emotional grenades, and I am no exception. All it takes is one bad night’s sleep coupled with the deprivation of a steaming cup of black coffee in the morning to turn me into a snarling, mean, snippy asshole (as opposed to my ordinary “sarcastic asshole” persona). I go looking for fights. I’m tired. I’m cranky. And every time you talk to me, it passes through a filter of mental scum. I will squint my eyes and stare at you until you either start to make sense or just go away. Now take this attitude and give it to over half the people in the United States. “But what about PMS?” you ask. Okay, yes, that’s bad, too, but again… a national coffee withdrawal would happen largely all at one time… and to your point, a large number of people would have PMS on top of that.
Are you scared yet? Damn straight. Don’t come to me with your fancy talk of “tea,” either -- speaking as a seasoned java drinker, I like my coffee strong to the point of being able to climb out of the mug and tow a city bus with its teeth. I need my coffee to not just be strong; I need to be drinking the Chuck Norris of coffees. You can’t get that with tea. You can barely get Keanu Reeves with most teas.
Now, assuming that our society manages to survive the short-term effects of a mass caffeine withdrawal, there also would be long-term effects to be dealt with:
- American productivity would plummet, as workers -- blue and white collar alike -- are deprived of the most common form of artificial stimulation.
- Labor unions would buckle under the strain of finding an activity to replace the mandated “coffee break.” Cigarette smoking would likely more than double as millions of Americans return to the most familiar vice they have.
- Remember all those Starbucks stores? Do you think we can suddenly find something to fill that much commercial space? Urban real estate values would plummet. (Suburban rates would suffer a temporary dip, but they would be rapidly stabilized by an immediate doubling of the number of Pottery Barn locations nationwide.)
- Juan Valdez (and his donkey!) would suddenly be jobless, raising the unemployment rate.
How’s your “oil dependency” crisis looking now? If anything, an oil shortage would discourage the unraveling of our national fabric. We’ll be ready to riot over it, sure, but it’s so hard to stay mad when you’re out walking to join a riot on a nice spring day, with all the birds singing. But the coffee thing… especially if there isn’t an oil shortage? Oh hell… what if an oil shortage CAUSED a coffee shortage!?! Almost all of the beans that become the coffee we drink are imported… and without a way to transport it here and then around the nation… oh my God.
Juan Valdez, it looks like we’ve got work for you after all -- you’re going to have to bring all of those beans here for us. Oh, and you might want to bring the donkey. |
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